Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1+some 2/3/84; site dual.UUCP Path: utzoo!utcs!lsuc!pesnta!amdcad!decwrl!dual!hav From: hav@dual.UUCP (Helen Anne Vigneau) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: On Co-workers, Living Together, and Rings Message-ID: <929@dual.UUCP> Date: Thu, 7-Feb-85 17:04:28 EST Article-I.D.: dual.929 Posted: Thu Feb 7 17:04:28 1985 Date-Received: Fri, 8-Feb-85 10:41:42 EST Distribution: net Organization: Dual Systems, Berkeley, CA Lines: 64 <*munch*> Two and a half years ago, I began working at Dual. I met Marc on my first day here. That was in mid-August 1982. At the end of October 1982 we fell in love. We have been living together since. Two weekends ago he made a ring for me, and I've been wearing it ever since. Marc is my best friend. Does our working together present a problem? No, not really. There are times, of course, when there's a bit of a strain, but on the whole, I prefer it this way. We commute together, we sometimes have lunch or a smoke break (no flames, please) together, we understand one another's problems better than most. After all, we can sit down together and discuss company politics, catch up on what each other's department is doing (he's a hardware designer; I'm a technical writer), talk about what other departments are doing. And we each understand what the other one is talking about. We have learned not to belabor work things on our own time. Will our working together cause problems if we break up? I don't believe we will ever break up (this one is for keeps), so I'm not going to worry about the ramifications of working together in this context. I will say, though, that of several other couples that have worked here or do work here, one of the couples was married when I began working here and split up about six months later. They've been divorced for over a year now, they both still work here, and they get along just fine. I know this, because the ex-husband is a fairly good friend of Marc's and mine; his office/cubicle is also right next to mine. Do I feel that "only living together" (as opposed to being married) lessens the quality of our relationship in any way? No, not at all. I certainly don't love Marc any less or feel any less love from him or feel any less commitment between us because we are not married. We will get married when we are ready to have children. I would be happy to get married *now*, but he isn't. Not because of *me*, but because he regards marriage as a way to legitimize one's children and make their futures a little easier for them. (Ever try explaining to a kindergarten-aged child why Mommy and Daddy have different last names? Ever try explaining this to the kid's friends, so the poor child won't be ostracized?) But children aside, there's no difference between what we have now and what marriage would be like. We have been through a move, several emotional upheavals with friends and our respective families, and all the big and little day-to-day things that characterize the joint life of two adults in love. I see us much more as a married couple than as two single people, and I believe Marc feels the same way. I'm 26, and he's 27; we've both lived with people before (I was also married, about five years ago; what a disaster!) so this is not something new. We're together because we want to be. Would it be any easier to leave now than if we were married? No. If I wanted to leave, I would, married or not. (I did it once; I'd do it again if I had to. I'd rather not have to.) The only difference here is that the leaving might all be over and done with a little sooner for an unmarried couple. That doesn't make it any easier. What does the ring mean to me? I love it. It's a gift from Marc to me, something that he made *for me*, and there's no less symbolism to me in wearing it because I didn't first put it on in some stupid ceremony. In fact, I'd have made one for him too, but the wood was too small in diameter for his fingers. (Some day soon I'll fix that situation!) It's not a token that I'm a possession or object. (At least, there'll be *no* doubt about that after I can get ahold of something that will fit his huge paws!) :-) Helen Anne {ucbvax,ihnp4,cbosgd,hplabs,decwrl,unisoft,fortune,sun,nsc}!dual!hav If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.