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From: jss@sjuvax.UUCP (J. Shapiro)
Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social
Subject: Re: Living in sin? (why marriages fail)
Message-ID: <811@sjuvax.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 6-Feb-85 04:31:57 EST
Article-I.D.: sjuvax.811
Posted: Wed Feb  6 04:31:57 1985
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Organization: Saint Josephs Univ. Phila., Pa.
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[Aren't you hungry...?]

In reference to maintaining a relationship over time:

> I can work at it. But the minute I start *expecting* it, I am
> not loving, I am *clinging*. And clinging is bad news.
> I find it incredibly unreasonable of me to expect that any other
> person should sacrifice himself or his needs to meet my needs or 
> for the sake of a ``relationship'' or for the sake of a ``marriage''.
> How can I love an institution more than a person? 
> 
> Recently I got told something I have believed for a long time. [but
> more succinctly!]
> 
> 	Relationships only last as long as both parties are
> 	willing to see them end.
> 
> Laura Creighton
> utzoo!laura
> 
I'll buy that - subject to some thought.  I have been running into this
dilemma myself.  On the one hand I feel a very strong desire to support my
SO when she wants that support, while at the same time wanting to be sure
that my own need of support is not an imposition - that her giving of
support is actively voluntary. On the other hand, people don't read minds.
You have to tell them that something is wrong and that they can help.

This becomes a real problem when you both have needs which conflict at the
same time. At that point, any relationship becomes a test of patience and a
test of being willing to back off when that is necessary.  It is also
terribly important *not* to sacrifice yourself to someone.  Speaking for
myself, I find self-sacrifice for my sake very distressing.  I emphatically
*DON'T WANT IT.* I have yet to find a good solution to the dilemma except
for the knowledge that relationships are things of compromise, which leaves
me still feeling very leery about the implications of imposing your needs
on someone who may not be prepared to deal with them.

I think that I am like most people, in that I want simultaneously to make
no concessions to dependency, but at the same time need/want the support of
others.  I suppose that just means I'm human.

Regarding the quote, I sincerely believe that part of loving someone is
being willing to let go sincerely if that is necessary, and to do so in the
least hurtful manner possible.

Footnote to this: most college relationships last less than 2 months. Mine
have lasted 8-9 months on average.  This isn't necessarily good.  There is
something to be said for variety at my age. But I think that at some level
being stuck in the paradox I perceive at the moment is vital to having a
relationship work.

Any comments?

Jonathan S. Shapiro
Haverford College