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From: hav@dual.UUCP (Helen Anne Vigneau)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: On Co-workers, Living Together, and Rings
Message-ID: <929@dual.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 7-Feb-85 17:04:28 EST
Article-I.D.: dual.929
Posted: Thu Feb  7 17:04:28 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 8-Feb-85 10:41:42 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: Dual Systems, Berkeley, CA
Lines: 64

<*munch*>

Two and a half years ago, I began working at Dual.  I met Marc on my first
day here.  That was in mid-August 1982.  At the end of October 1982 we fell
in love.  We have been living together since.  Two weekends ago he made a
ring for me, and I've been wearing it ever since.  Marc is my best friend.

Does our working together present a problem?  No, not really.  There are
times, of course, when there's a bit of a strain, but on the whole, I prefer
it this way.  We commute together, we sometimes have lunch or a smoke break
(no flames, please) together, we understand one another's problems better
than most.  After all, we can sit down together and discuss company politics,
catch up on what each other's department is doing (he's a hardware designer;
I'm a technical writer), talk about what other departments are doing.  And we
each understand what the other one is talking about.  We have learned not to
belabor work things on our own time.  Will our working together cause
problems if we break up?  I don't believe we will ever break up (this one is
for keeps), so I'm not going to worry about the ramifications of working
together in this context.  I will say, though, that of several other couples
that have worked here or do work here, one of the couples was married when I
began working here and split up about six months later.  They've been
divorced for over a year now, they both still work here, and they get along
just fine.  I know this, because the ex-husband is a fairly good friend of
Marc's and mine; his office/cubicle is also right next to mine.

Do I feel that "only living together" (as opposed to being married) lessens
the quality of our relationship in any way?  No, not at all.  I certainly
don't love Marc any less or feel any less love from him or feel any less
commitment between us because we are not married.  We will get married when
we are ready to have children.  I would be happy to get married *now*, but he
isn't.  Not because of *me*, but because he regards marriage as a way to
legitimize one's children and make their futures a little easier for them.
(Ever try explaining to a kindergarten-aged child why Mommy and Daddy have
different last names?  Ever try explaining this to the kid's friends, so the
poor child won't be ostracized?)  But children aside, there's no difference
between what we have now and what marriage would be like.  We have been
through a move, several emotional upheavals with friends and our respective
families, and all the big and little day-to-day things that characterize the
joint life of two adults in love.  I see us much more as a married couple than
as two single people, and I believe Marc feels the same way.  I'm 26, and he's
27; we've both lived with people before (I was also married, about five years
ago; what a disaster!) so this is not something new.  We're together because
we want to be.  Would it be any easier to leave now than if we were married?
No.  If I wanted to leave, I would, married or not.  (I did it once; I'd do
it again if I had to.  I'd rather not have to.)  The only difference here is
that the leaving might all be over and done with a little sooner for an
unmarried couple.  That doesn't make it any easier.

What does the ring mean to me?  I love it.  It's a gift from Marc to me,
something that he made *for me*, and there's no less symbolism to me in
wearing it because I didn't first put it on in some stupid ceremony.  In
fact, I'd have made one for him too, but the wood was too small in diameter
for his fingers.  (Some day soon I'll fix that situation!)  It's not a token
that I'm a possession or object.  (At least, there'll be *no* doubt about
that after I can get ahold of something that will fit his huge paws!)  :-)

Helen Anne

{ucbvax,ihnp4,cbosgd,hplabs,decwrl,unisoft,fortune,sun,nsc}!dual!hav 

             If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
             perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
             Let him step to the music he hears,
             however measured or far away.