Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site sjuvax.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!mhuxn!mhuxm!mhuxi!mhuxh!mhuxv!mhuxt!mhuxr!ulysses!allegra!princeton!astrovax!sjuvax!jss From: jss@sjuvax.UUCP (J. Shapiro) Newsgroups: net.singles,net.social Subject: Re: Living in sin? (why marriages fail) Message-ID: <811@sjuvax.UUCP> Date: Wed, 6-Feb-85 04:31:57 EST Article-I.D.: sjuvax.811 Posted: Wed Feb 6 04:31:57 1985 Date-Received: Fri, 8-Feb-85 03:27:20 EST References: <198@tekred.UUCP> <1091@houxm.UUCP>, <2294@nsc.UUCP> <4994@utzoo.UUCP> Organization: Saint Josephs Univ. Phila., Pa. Lines: 55 Xref: watmath net.singles:5797 net.social:452 [Aren't you hungry...?] In reference to maintaining a relationship over time: > I can work at it. But the minute I start *expecting* it, I am > not loving, I am *clinging*. And clinging is bad news. > I find it incredibly unreasonable of me to expect that any other > person should sacrifice himself or his needs to meet my needs or > for the sake of a ``relationship'' or for the sake of a ``marriage''. > How can I love an institution more than a person? > > Recently I got told something I have believed for a long time. [but > more succinctly!] > > Relationships only last as long as both parties are > willing to see them end. > > Laura Creighton > utzoo!laura > I'll buy that - subject to some thought. I have been running into this dilemma myself. On the one hand I feel a very strong desire to support my SO when she wants that support, while at the same time wanting to be sure that my own need of support is not an imposition - that her giving of support is actively voluntary. On the other hand, people don't read minds. You have to tell them that something is wrong and that they can help. This becomes a real problem when you both have needs which conflict at the same time. At that point, any relationship becomes a test of patience and a test of being willing to back off when that is necessary. It is also terribly important *not* to sacrifice yourself to someone. Speaking for myself, I find self-sacrifice for my sake very distressing. I emphatically *DON'T WANT IT.* I have yet to find a good solution to the dilemma except for the knowledge that relationships are things of compromise, which leaves me still feeling very leery about the implications of imposing your needs on someone who may not be prepared to deal with them. I think that I am like most people, in that I want simultaneously to make no concessions to dependency, but at the same time need/want the support of others. I suppose that just means I'm human. Regarding the quote, I sincerely believe that part of loving someone is being willing to let go sincerely if that is necessary, and to do so in the least hurtful manner possible. Footnote to this: most college relationships last less than 2 months. Mine have lasted 8-9 months on average. This isn't necessarily good. There is something to be said for variety at my age. But I think that at some level being stuck in the paradox I perceive at the moment is vital to having a relationship work. Any comments? Jonathan S. Shapiro Haverford College