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From: sitze@rruxo.UUCP (R Sitze)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Be wary of this one....
Message-ID: <138@rruxo.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 7-Feb-85 12:16:25 EST
Article-I.D.: rruxo.138
Posted: Thu Feb 7 12:16:25 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 9-Feb-85 05:42:15 EST
Organization: Bell Communications Research, Piscataway N.J.
Lines: 92
Mr. Hansen had a problem. He was BORED. Mr. Hansen lived by
himself in a small house just outside of New York, and had been living
there for 30 years. It had only been a year since he had retired, but
he was bored. During that year he had repainted the house twice, gone
camping once, and had even attended church once or twice, but nothing
seemed to help very much. He had never got married for various reasons,
and now he was even to old for that type of entertainment.
One bright and early morning, he got an idea. He would start
collecting rare and exotic birds. And so for the next year he spent
many many many more pennies then you or I shall ever see on birds,
bird seed, and on newspaper. As he got each bird, he would sit and
listen to it for a while, and then go out again to his favorite
exotic bird shop for a new bird the very next day. This kept him very
busy, but he wasn't happy though. He just wasn't satisfied. Sure he
could talk to some of the birds, and they could talk back.. But it just
wasn't right. And so in a fit of desperation, he walked into the bird
store once again, with the intent of buying his last bird.
"Ah... Goold Mornling Mr. Hanslen, Howl you dooling tolay??"
exclaimed Mr. Wong, happy to see his favorite customer. "You all in
luck tolay.. I Juss golt newl bird in... Come Come, youl like lis one
bettel then all rest." Mr. Hansen followed the old shopkeeper with
a happy feeling in his heart, "Prehaps this is the one" he thought
to himself. In the backroom of the bird shop Mr. Wong pulled out a
small bamboo cage in which sat a small, brown bird. "Hello" said the
bird. "I am a Wary." "Very clever bird you have there Mr. Wong" said
Mr. Hansen as he peered into the small cage. "I'll guess I'll take him."
The bird sat in the cage and stared at Mr. Hansen all the way home.
As Mr. Hansen carried the bird into the house, he looked around and
said "Ok. Wary, I think I'll keep you in the living room where I can
talk to you." "Ok" said the Wary, "Thats fine with me. Whats' for
dinner anyway??". Mr. Hansen jumped a bit, and then thought of what
a great deal he got, this bird seemed to be a bit more intelligent than
most birds.
Well, to make a long story a tiny bit shorter, Mr Hansen discovered
that his bird could talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.... About
everything and anything. He got so sick of hearing the bird talk he tried
to take it back the to bird store. "Solly Mr Hanslen, I can no take back
that bird, you must keep." was Mr. Wong's immediate reply. And so he took
the bird back home. "What's a matter wit you anyway" said the Wary, now
a large bird sitting next to him in the car. "You don't like me or what?"
"Well? Don't you think you owe me an explanation?? I've never done
anything to you, so what the h@ll is your problem anyway?? Huh?? $h!t,
you people ain't got no respect anymore for a poor birds feelings."
And so began Mr. Hansen's attempts to dispose of the Wary.
As he took the bird out back, and attempted to dispose of it with an
ax, the horrified bird made it's get away into the bathroom. Mr. Hansen
finally got the bird out, and his distressed body in after promising to
never let the bird see an ax again. "More devious methods of Birdicide
must be used in this war" he muttered as he sat on the pot. "I know,
I'll take him to New York this weekend."
In New York that very next weekend, they made mad dashes across streets
as Mr. Hansen ran about trying to get the bird to step out in front of
cars. He gave the bird ten dollars for whatever the bird wanted to buy,
and then rode the subway for three hours hoping someone would notice a
large bird holding a ten spot and try to knock him off. To no avail. He
even made the bird pick the pocket of a LARGE dude wearing a large black
leather jacket and chains, which the bird did rather quickly with no ill
side effects. Mr. Hansen pushed the bird off of a bridge only to find that
while it could not fly, it could swim. The sopping bird shook the water out
of his wings, looked bleakly at Mr. Hansen, and stared. "... Well I
guess I'm stuck with you Wary, said Mr. Hansen, come on lets go." And so
Mr. Hansen and the Wary wandered around a bit, until Mr Hansen recognized
where they were.
Mr. Hansen smirked as he looked out over the city of New York
from the top of the Empire State Building. He had a tremendous view, and
the Wary could not see. After the Wary gave up all attempts of pulling himself
high enough to see over the small wall that bordered the top, he looked up
at Mr. Hansen and asked if he could give him a lift. "Why sure, I think I
could manage that. In fact I'll do better than that." Mr. Hansen walked
over to were some men were doing some construction work on the top and
borrowed a board. He held the board out over the edge of the building, and
helped the bird out onto the end of it. "Here you go, that should give you
a good view of the city, and of the street below" said Mr. Hansen as he
gleefully tipped the board over. "Hey... What you tink you doing mister"
shouted the bird as he fell, flapping his wings to no great avail.
Mr. Hansen started down, happy at last. "No one but no one can
survive that fall" he thought, "especially a Wary. I think I'll go home
and make myself a nice dinner of chicken and rice." He was thinking
about exactly what he was going to do (nothing) now that the Wary was gone
when he got down to the street. As he stepped out the front doors, the
Wary walked up to Mr. Hansen, who had bursted into tears upon seeing the
Wary, and exclaimed...
"Mister, that's the wrong way to tip a Wary..."