Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site ttidcc.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxb!mhuxn!mhuxm!mhuxj!houxm!whuxlm!akgua!sdcsvax!dcdwest!ittvax!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!seismo!cmcl2!philabs!ttidca!ttidcc!regard From: regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard) Newsgroups: net.kids Subject: Raising kids in your spare time Message-ID: <217@ttidcc.UUCP> Date: Wed, 6-Feb-85 18:16:57 EST Article-I.D.: ttidcc.217 Posted: Wed Feb 6 18:16:57 1985 Date-Received: Sun, 10-Feb-85 05:12:00 EST Organization: TTI, Santa Monica, CA. Lines: 59 Our line on discipline with our 7 year old has, of policy, been "Unacceptable behaviour = to your room". When she was much littler, and would lose her temper at her inability to communicate, crying and yelling was considered "unacceptable", therefore she would go to her room to cry. The crying itself was not discouraged -- rather, we discouraged her visiting the noise on other people. I was very concerned about giving signals that bottling up emotion was the goal. I wanted to indicate emotion was fine, but some was best expressed elsewhere. Well, years later, she doesn't seem to be emotionally disturbed, and crying has gone off the list of "unacceptable", since now in most cases she cries from hurt or empathy, and therefore gets a cuddle instead. Striking others is "unacceptable" now, but that may go off the list, too, and not because she has stopped doing it. Unfortunately, as parents, we are not the sole environmental influences. Kids who spend their days at school spend their days among savages. It may be important for her to know how and when to pop the local bully a good one, if for no other reason than to keep the local bully away from her. Generally, our attitude on violence has been that there are other ways of dealing with a negative situation, i.e.: (with a stern glare from under lowered brows): "I do not find this (situation, behaviour) acceptable because (state reason). Do you agree that is a good reason?" "Yes." "Then you will do something to change it?" "Yes." And I let her figure out what. She uses this very simple statement/reason/ gain-agreement method on her car-pool kids, and kids who come to visit at the house and it seems to work o.k. The idea is to gain their agreement that whatever situation is going on isn't optimal. Most kids don't want to paint on the furniture once they learn that you are unhappy with that. They would prefer paper in most cases. And it's good problem solving for them to figure out what is better behaviour. I can't claim to be completely free of guilt, however. I've swatted her when I've lost my temper, which just goes to show were anger will lead. That's something I've never been able to figure out, though. Do you apologise? I mean, you probably lost your temper 'cause the kid did something wrong, so you can hardly say "I'm sorry", can you? Yeh, I know you can say "I'm sorry I hit you, but remember you were wrong", but I think that puts the parent at a grave disadvantage. I agree that all theory goes out the window when you actually have a kid, and frankly I think it's a good thing. Instinct has served me much better than any of my fine pre-child theories ever would have. My question is this: what do you do about sex-differentiation? My kid gets more "girls are pink, boys are smart" crap from the schools, the other kids and TV than she would ever have had from the most reactionary of parents (which we are not). Considering how much time she spends around school and other kids (over which I have little control) and watching TV (over which I do have control, and exercise it), I'm gravely concerned that she will have some of the same psychological blocks I suffered from in early twenties about my own abilities, mostly caused by being female in a mans world. Any ideas on what to do?