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From: regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: raising kids in your spare time
Message-ID: <218@ttidcc.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 7-Feb-85 11:46:24 EST
Article-I.D.: ttidcc.218
Posted: Thu Feb  7 11:46:24 1985
Date-Received: Mon, 11-Feb-85 06:17:58 EST
Organization: TTI, Santa Monica, CA.
Lines: 37

Oh, yeah, and addendum from a just remembered source -- course, I can't
remember the source.  It was one of the many books I read during my
daughter's first two years.

Re doing dangerous things and not taking no for an answer -- the source
felt that the child was learning by your responses,  but not quite in the
way you intended.  When s/he puts a fork in the wall outlet and you say
no, s/he is the interested in that no.  Does it mean no fork?  Does it
mean no outlet?  Does it mean no for today but not tomorrow?  Does it
mean I shouldn't sit to poke the outlet with the fork, but stand in
stead?  Consequently, as you have to repeat "no" over and over, as the
child continues to poke the outlet, s/he is learning the parameters
of "no" all the while.

This is a little risky in practice, and most folks get distressed enough
on the first poke to grab the kid and the fork and throw one across the
room while swatting the other.  It was noted by my unreferenced source
that tribal children in Africa often handle knives at a very young age,
and from observation of parents, apparently did so very safely, whatever
that is worth.  Better to have them learn about the dangers of life than
to protect them always from those dangers, since you can't in fact
protect them always.

Second point.  When I was training horses, the idea was to put the horse
into a such a circumstance that his instinctual inclination was what you
really wanted him to do, and then you congratulated him.  Kids are a little
bit more intelligent than horses, but they still like being congratulated,
even if they intended to go about their business anyway.  My daughter is
never more willing than when her inclination matches the preferred behavior--
particularly when mom notices.  That's one of the reasons I like her to
solve the big questions herself ("if this doesn't occur, what should your
punishment be?"  "your friend is misbehaving in your house.  What are you
going to do about it?").  It makes her consider her own preferences, and
alligns them with the preferred behaviour of the household.  Now, she is
old enough to puzzle this out, but even a two year old will understand
"you don't really want to be bad, and have everybody upset -- what do you
really want instead?"