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From: regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Raising kids in your spare time
Message-ID: <217@ttidcc.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 6-Feb-85 18:16:57 EST
Article-I.D.: ttidcc.217
Posted: Wed Feb  6 18:16:57 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 10-Feb-85 05:12:00 EST
Organization: TTI, Santa Monica, CA.
Lines: 59



Our line on discipline with our 7 year old has, of policy, been "Unacceptable
behaviour = to your room".  When she was much littler, and would lose her
temper at her inability to communicate, crying and yelling was considered
"unacceptable", therefore she would go to her room to cry.  The crying
itself was not discouraged -- rather, we discouraged her visiting the noise
on other people.  I was very concerned about giving signals that bottling
up emotion was the goal.  I wanted to indicate emotion was fine, but some
was best expressed elsewhere.

Well, years later, she doesn't seem to be emotionally disturbed, and
crying has gone off the list of "unacceptable", since now in most cases she
cries from hurt or empathy, and therefore gets a cuddle instead.  Striking
others is "unacceptable" now, but that may go off the list, too, and not
because she has stopped doing it.  Unfortunately, as parents, we are not
the sole environmental influences.  Kids who spend their days at school
spend their days among savages.  It may be important for her to know
how and when to pop the local bully a good one, if for no other reason than
to keep the local bully away from her.

Generally, our attitude on violence has been that there are other ways of
dealing with a negative situation, i.e.:
    (with a stern glare from under lowered brows):
	"I do not find this (situation, behaviour) acceptable because
	 (state reason).  Do you agree that is a good reason?"
		"Yes."
	"Then you will do something to change it?"
		"Yes."

And I let her figure out what.  She uses this very simple statement/reason/
gain-agreement method on her car-pool kids, and kids who come to visit at
the house and it seems to work o.k.  The idea is to gain their agreement
that whatever situation is going on isn't optimal.  Most kids don't want
to paint on the furniture once they learn that you are unhappy with that.
They would prefer paper in most cases.  And it's good problem solving for
them to figure out what is better behaviour.

I can't claim to be completely free of guilt, however.  I've swatted
her when I've lost my temper, which just goes to show were anger will
lead.  That's something I've never been able to figure out, though.  Do
you apologise?  I mean, you probably lost your temper 'cause the kid did
something wrong, so you can hardly say "I'm sorry", can you?  Yeh, I know
you can say "I'm sorry I hit you, but remember you were wrong", but I think
that puts the parent at a grave disadvantage.

I agree that all theory goes out the window when you actually have a kid,
and frankly I think it's a good thing.  Instinct has served me much better
than any of my fine pre-child theories ever would have.

My question is this: what do you do about sex-differentiation?  My kid gets
more "girls are pink, boys are smart" crap from the schools, the other kids
and TV than she would ever have had from the most reactionary of parents
(which we are not).  Considering how much time she spends around school
and other kids (over which I have little control) and watching TV (over
which I do have control, and exercise it), I'm gravely concerned that she
will have some of the same psychological blocks I suffered from in early
twenties about my own abilities, mostly caused by being female in a mans
world.  Any ideas on what to do?