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From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Dave Barry 1/14 - Personal Computers
Message-ID: <340@tpvax.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 6-Aug-84 12:27:49 EDT
Article-I.D.: tpvax.340
Posted: Mon Aug  6 12:27:49 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 10-Aug-84 07:44:51 EDT
References: <363@oddjob.UChicago.UUCP>
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Everett, WA
Lines: 116


 C O M P U T E R S  -*

						 -By Dave Barry

[Reprinted without permission from
the Minneapolis TV Dispatch column,
"Foolin' Around", July, 1982.]



    The computer is no longer just a large, complex, expensive object that
major corporations blame when they screw up your order.  Thanks to the
miracle of electronics, today's computer is a large, complex, expensive
object that you can have in your own home.

    If you read your major trend-spotting magazines such as Time and
Newsweek, you know that in recent years virtually every man, woman, and
child in the United States has bought a personal home computer.  You
constantly see articles explaining how ordinary people like yourself are
finding all kinds of handy uses for computers around the home:


	Bob and Doris Pullet of Full Horse, Texas, use their
	computer for many things, such as keeping track of what
	they have in their pantry.  "It has been a real boon to
	us," reports Doris.  "In the old days, we would have to
	open the pantry door and manually look inside to see
	whether we had, say, chicken gumbo.  But now all I do is
	turn on the computer, enter my secret password, and punch
	in a few simple commands.  In a matter of seconds, the
	computer says 'CHKN GMB/2; 0.87; 0.74', which lets me
	know that we have two cans of chicken gumbo with a 
	depreciated value of 87 cents, or 74 cents adjusted for
	inflation.  And Bob is working on a program to keep track
	of the good forks."


    After I had read about 30 articles like this, I bought a personal home
computer.  I originally planned to use it to organize my data.  I have a lot
of trouble keeping my data straight.  Here's my system: let's say I get a
piece of data in the form of a letter from the telephone company explaining
that, just to keep its legal staff busy, it is applying for one of its
bi-weekly rate hikes.  I put the letter in a manila folder, mark it "Phone
Company" and put it in my filing cabinet.  I have about 300 file folders,
maybe 200 of which say "Phone Company" and I can never find anything.
That's why I figured I needed a personal home computer.

    The man at the computer store told me that not only could my computer
straighten out my files, but it would also figure out all my tax deductions.
This struck me as a terrific bonus, because in recent years I have been so
bad at keeping track of my tax deductions that I have had to make them up.
So within a matter of minutes I purchased a computer for only a little more
than it would have cost me to buy a lengthy vacation in Hawaii.

    Well, I think I got a fairly stupid computer.  This is the way it
usually goes with me.  Several years ago I got a German Sheperd, which is
supposed to be a fairly intelligent brand of dog, the kind of dog that
recognizes unfriendly intruders and attacks them fiercely.  But through some
one-chance-in-a-million genetic quirk, our German Sheperd only attacks empty
plastic milk jugs.  If we ever happen to have an intruder who happens to
have some old milk jugs tied to his belt, our dog will be a powerful
deterrent, but otherwise I doubt she'd be much use.

    Well, my computer makes my dog look like Albert Einstein.  I plugged it
in and turned it on, and instead of going to work on my telephone-company
letters, it started asking a lot of idiot questions, such as what day it
was. So I typed in the following computer program:

	 NEVER YOU MIND WHAT DAY IT IS.  WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS
	 STRAIGHTEN OUT ALL MY FILES AND COME UP WITH A NICE HEALTHY
	 LIST OF MY TAX DEDUCTIONS, TAKING PAINS TO GIVE ME, RATHER
	 THAN THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE, THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,
	 BUT NOT CLAIMING ANYTHING THAT WOULD LAND ME IN THE SLAMMER,
	 IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

And the computer said:

			SYNTAX ERROR

    Do you believe that?  This machine that doesn't even know what day it is
tells me, the paid professional writer, that I have a syntax error. So I
went back to the computer store, and the salesman told me that if I want the
computer to organize my data, I would have to buy a program that costs
several hundred dollars.  Since I had spent all my money on the computer, I
decided instead to buy a program called "Defense Command," which only cost
$15.  "Defense Command" does not organize my data, but it does enable me to
play this computer game wherein I shoot an atomic laser cannon at little
alien beings who are trying to steal my fuel cells so their Mother Ship can
come down and wipe me out with the Solar Waster.

    I brought my game home, and the computer just loved it.  It didn't ask
what day it was or anything; it just started playing.  The night I got it,
my neighbor, who is thinking of getting a computer to organize his data,
came over and we fought the aliens for six straight hours and drank a case
of beer.

    Overall, I'd say the computer has greatly increased my personal
productivity.  At first, my "Defense Command" scores were in the 4,000
range, which means that the aliens were having no trouble stealing my fuel
cells.  They would just swoop down, chortling, and steal them with ease. But
I have become so productive that nowadays I routinely score over 20,000, a
tremendous increase in personal productivity that would have been impossible
without my computer.  I have begun to sense a new respect on the part of the
aliens.

    I'm beginning to wonder how I ever got by without my personal home
computer.  I'm also beginning to wonder if I can use my atomic laser cannon
against my files, or even against the phone company.

-- 
Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA
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