Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 exptools 1/6/84; site ihuxj.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!ihnp4!ihuxj!amra From: amra@ihuxj.UUCP (Steven L. Aldrich) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Computer Humor (NON-LIMERIC!) Message-ID: <650@ihuxj.UUCP> Date: Tue, 7-Aug-84 20:26:49 EDT Article-I.D.: ihuxj.650 Posted: Tue Aug 7 20:26:49 1984 Date-Received: Wed, 8-Aug-84 08:44:04 EDT Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Naperville, IL Lines: 61 I offer the following two items for your amusement. WARNING!!! This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. COMMANDMENTS of a COMPUTER CENTER: THOU SHALT NOT: 1) Worship other computer systems 2) Impersonate Liberace while sitting at the console keyboard. 3) Use magnetic tapes as frisbees. 4) Slap users on the face. 5) Get physically involved with the computer system, if already married. 6) Use a disk pack as a stool to reach another disk pack. 7) Stare at blinking lights for more than one 8 hour shift. 8) Tell a user that you accidentally destroyed his/her files and his/her backup, just to see the look on his/her face. 9) Staple card decks together. 10) Enjoy cancelling a job. 11) Do unto the director as he does unto you. 12) Eat watermelon while sitting at the console. 13) Spit at a user when he/she brings in 10 thirty minute jobs. 14) Display firearms in the computer room. 15) Push buttons just to see what happens. PEACE & BEST WISHES From the ever curious (and sometimes devious) mind of: Steve (Blackholes are out of sight) Aldrich ihnp4!ihuxj!amra