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From: israel@qantel.UUCP ( Renegade)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: True Grit Mysteries - Part 6
Message-ID: <169@qantel.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 2-Aug-84 12:57:17 EDT
Article-I.D.: qantel.169
Posted: Thu Aug  2 12:57:17 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 4-Aug-84 02:11:47 EDT
Organization: MDS Qantel, Hayward CA.
Lines: 79

< "RUN FOR IT, ROCKY - IT'S BORIS! WITH A TIGER TANK!!!" >


   TALES OF ROGER GUTS, P.I.

   Gerbil was feeling cocky. He had me right where he wanted me,
and was so completely sure of himself, he was ready to tell me anything
I wanted to know - after all, I wasn't supposed to be leaving here
alive.
   "The fact is, Mr. Guts, I don't really hold any animosity towards
Ramona. All I wanted was to scare her off and out of the house she's
living in now. You see, there's something hidden somewhere in that
house of great value to me, and I needed Ramona out of the way so
I could search for it freely."
   "A 25 pound bag of hamster litter, perhaps?"
   Gerbil's eyes narrowed. He drew up close, and spoke in whispers.
"Tell me, Mr. Guts, have you ever heard of the Maltese Mousie?"
   "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll..."
   "The Maltese Mousie was actually crafted as a decorative companion
of the legendary Maltese Falcan. It too, is covered with valuable
gems and saphires, worth a small fortune. I've been tracing it for
years, and the trail has lead me, most recently, from Vietnam, where
it was last known in possession of an army captain who had since
retired and was living in Boston. His name was Harry De Swell."
   Things were getting interesting. "Let me get this straight - you
killed Ramona's husband to get the mousie?"
   "Not exactly - you see, Ramona's husband really did die of an accident
in his bathtub - that was a fortunate coincidence, for after Ramona
left Boston for LA, it gave me the oppurtunity to search their house.
However, all I found was a memo from a carpenter here in LA that said
he had finished the final touches on the his summer house, and that
the secret compartment was in place."
   "A mouse-sized secret compartment?"
   "So I suspected. I traced the address to the house Ramona is living
in now, and devised this plan to try and scare her off. She's not
been very cooperative, however."
   A garbage can rattled in the back alley. Gerbil glanced at the back door,
then flashed me a look. "So, you've got a partner, eh? Well, at least you
won't have to die alone!" He led his hamster commandos to the back door,
and shouted, "No one lives that alley alive!" With that, he flung open
the door.
   There on the stoop sat a half emptied bowl of milk, surrounded
by about 37 alley cats. Gerbil gulped. The cats smiled. The hamsters
shrieked.
   As the battle was joined, I leaped for my basooka, swung around,
and pinned Gerbil to the wall with it. "I would advise you to sit tight
and keep yer yap shut. I almost never miss from this range." Gerbil
sank to the floor. "You win, Guts. I'll go quietly."

   Half an hour later, the cops were hauling Gerbil downtown, as a rogue
Siamese slammed the last hamster against the wall. The rodent reign of
terror was finally over.
   I leaped into my jeep, and four-wheeled my way up through Ramona's
rose garden, kicked in the front door, punched  out the French maid,
and headed for the attic. I started searching for Harry's old army
footlocker. As I smashed my way through an old wicker chair, Ramona
sauntered up behind me.
   "Hi'ya, handsome. You looking for something, or are you just mad
 that I'm all out of French maids?" Jesus, was she good!
   "I'm looking for your husbands old army locker. He probably used it
to smuggle something in it, and my guess is, it's still in there."
   "Oh, that old thing. He had it mounted in the wall in his study
downstairs. Said it did the job for him in Vietnam, so why not go with
a winner. I never was sure exactly what he meant by that..."
   "It's music to my ears, kiddo!" I rushed down to the study. I was
almost excited. I started fumbling around for a hidden lever. Something
went click, and a small drawer sprang open in the back of the locker.
Ramona seemed impressed. She said, "Wow."
   I reached inside, and pulled out a small lead figure of a mouse.
I took out my knife, and started scraping off the lead. An emerald
appeared. Then a sapphire. Then a diamond. Bingo!
   Ramona stared at the ruby-encrusted rodent, then turned to me and smiled.
"Nice trick, mister, but can you turn lead into gold?"
   Hey, we're talking good here...

                        The End

                "The Case of the Furry Felons"