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From: simard@loral.UUCP (Ray Simard)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Glossary of computing terms
Message-ID: <433@loral.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 16-Aug-84 19:33:01 EDT
Article-I.D.: loral.433
Posted: Thu Aug 16 19:33:01 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 19-Aug-84 02:51:51 EDT
Organization: Loral Instrumentation, San Diego, CA
Lines: 102

[Noah Webster, eat your heart out!]

The following glossary of general computing terminology has been compiled
by me for the education and benefit of all.  Most entries are original;
a few I have picked up over the years.



BASIC:		A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases
		in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

BUG:		An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
		PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options
		when s/he wrote the program.

		Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

C:		A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except
		more like assembly except that it isn't very much like
		either one, or anything else.  It is either the best
		language available to the art today, or it isn't.

CALTRANS:	A programming language related to FORTRAN.  Also, an
		inside joke for Californians.

COMMENT:	A superfluous element of a source program included to the
		programmer can remember what the hell he was doing six
		months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
		to those who think they aren't.

COMPUTER:	An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful
		steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical
		manner.  If you believe this, see me about a bridge I
		have for sale in Manhattan.

CRASH:		A sudden, unexpected cessation of activity by the computer,
		accompanied by a sudden, unexpected increase in activity
		by the system administrator.  Caused by someone running
		their huge, unimportant program just as your small,
		critical program is about to finish.

ENGINEER:	A human (?) entity who is responsible for all the problems
		of PROGRAMMERS.

FORTRAN:	A mature (see MATURE) programming language whose name means
		FOR TRANsmogrification (of the desired functionality).

GOTO:		A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
		to complain about unstructured programmers.

INFINITE LOOP:	See LOOP

JUMP:		See GOTO

KERNEL:		A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
		traditions of sorcery and black art.

LOOP:		See INFINITE LOOP

MANUAL:		A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more
		on a given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the
		others.  The information you need in in the others.

MATURE:		Adjective used to describe anything that nobody uses anymore.

MEMORY:		A component of a computer that holds data.  Sometimes
		it doesn't.  Amount present
		in a given system is calculated in a manner similar to
		REGISTERS (see).

PROGRAMMER:	See definition of ENGINEER; replace all occurrences
		of PROGRAMMER with ENGINEER.

REGISTER:	A part of a computer's processor that holds information
		for a while.  Number of registers in a given system is
		N-3 where N is the number needed to efficiently implement
		a function.

RS-232:		An interface standard (what's that word you just said?) between
		computers, modems and stuff.  Notable characteristics:
		a universal uncertainty about switching pins 2 and 3.
		Uses bipolar signals; was probably designed by the CEO
		of a power supply manufacturer.  Has signals nobody
		ever uses except the peripheral you just bought.

STACK:		A memory space used to entertain the programmers and
		management by overflowing or being subjected to mismatched
		PUSH/POPs.

SUBROUTINE:	A unit of software that makes tangled code look like it
		isn't.  Opposite of GOTO (sort of).  Useful for overflowing
		STACKs.

SYSTEM
ADMINISTRATOR:	A person whose job it is to do everything that isn't his job.
-- 
[     I am not a stranger, but a friend you haven't met yet     ]

Ray Simard
Loral Instrumentation, San Diego
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