Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site ames.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!houxm!ihnp4!zehntel!dual!ames!barry From: barry@ames.UUCP (Ken Barry) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: affairs Message-ID: <444@ames.UUCP> Date: Thu, 2-Aug-84 17:04:08 EDT Article-I.D.: ames.444 Posted: Thu Aug 2 17:04:08 1984 Date-Received: Sat, 4-Aug-84 02:13:23 EDT References: <798@ut-ngp.UUCP> Organization: NASA-Ames Research Center, Mtn. View, CA Lines: 76 [*************=8>:) (snort)] I think the subject of affairs, and of open vs. closed relationships, deserves more than a simple statement of unsupported opinion, especially when the opinions expressed are only a restatement of the most common cliches on the subject. My own view is that the sexual rules in any relationship are something to be worked out by the two (or more? :-)) people who are in the relationship, and never mind what Aunt Gertrude or Hugh Hefner or anyone else thinks; open or closed, it's for the two of you to work out between you. But since a defense of closed relationships has been presented, let me present a few arguments for the other kind. One big advantage of open relationships is the matter of trust, Judy Ashworth's comments notwithstanding. In an open relationship, you *never* have to wonder whether or not your partner is sleeping with others - they'll tell you if they are. It's all very well to say you know you can trust your spouse/SO, because he/she is an honest person and cares about you too much to hurt you, but Kinsey's statistics cast a lot of doubt on this reasoning. Does it make sense to expect complete honesty from someone, but also warn them you have zero tolerance of their giving in to the commonest of temptations? Is this not an invitation to dishonesty? Consider one classic example of marital infidelity: hubby goes out of town for business, gets to drinking with his buddies, meets a free-spirited female, and they decide to have a little fun. In an open relationship, such an incident can be treated as the trivial matter that it is; no pain, no blame, no arguments. Same thing applies, of course, if it's the woman who has the fast fling. But in a closed relationship, things get sticky. First off, it's no longer just casual sex, it's 'cheating'. Hubby has broken a promise (fidelity) he made, and probably feels guilty. If he feels guilty, he probably also feels resentment toward his wife, resentment about being made to feel guilty about such an unimportant matter, and about being put in a position where he has to be dishonest about it. If his wife finds out, it's worse, yet. In addition to whatever sexual jealousy she feels, she is understandably hurt by her husband's dishonesty, and often starts wondering how many other times he's been fooling around. Because her position is generally supported in our culture, she may even feel obligated to react more negatively than her own hurt feelings demand. Relatives and friends will support her by agreeing with her about what a lousy thing it was he did, and may tell her she's perfectly justified in taking the most extreme actions (e.g., leaving him) under the circumstances. The unfaithful partner in a closed relationship may also exaggerate the importance of the infidelity. Not wanting to believe that they would cheat on their partner for no better reason than a little pleasant recreation, they may convince themselves that they are really falling for someone else, or that they are truly unhappy with their spouse/SO, when in fact it was nothing more than temporary infatuation or excess alcohol. It is probably fortunate that the 'ideal' of sexual fidelity is generally more honored in the breach than in the observance. Most of the people I've met seem able, after their initial anger, to tell the difference between a casual night's fling and a serious marital problem. It usually seems to be the 'outsiders' (relatives, particularly parents) who are more likely to take an immoderate position on such things. As I stated earlier, I do not advocate open or closed relationships, per se; couples should agree on what's best for them, and act accordingly. Good arguments can be made for closed relationships, too. What does gall me, though, is when people insist that sexual possessiveness and sexual jealousy are an inescapable fact of human nature. They are not; and to consider them a worthy justification for the rules of one's relationships is nothing short of pathetic. Our culture conditions us to have these sorts of feelings, but instead of defending them, we would be better advised to remember where they can lead. There are still places in this world where a man can kill his wife if he catches her in 'flagrante delicto', and have it excused as justifiable homicide. We are supposed to be trying to outgrow this sort of macho BS, not applauding it. [The opinions expressed herein are my own foolishness, and do not necessarily reflect the views of anyone that matters.] - From the Crow's Nest - Kenn Barry NASA-Ames Research Center Moffett Field, CA ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Electric Avenue: {dual,hao,menlo70,hplabs}!ames!barry