Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site decwrl.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-vax4!lambert From: lambert@vax4.DEC Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: "Compleat" list of (clean) limericks, part 1 (long) Message-ID: <3069@decwrl.UUCP> Date: Thu, 2-Aug-84 11:57:21 EDT Article-I.D.: decwrl.3069 Posted: Thu Aug 2 11:57:21 1984 Date-Received: Fri, 3-Aug-84 02:39:52 EDT Sender: daemon@decwrl.UUCP Organization: DEC Engineering Network Lines: 261There was a young lady from Siam Who said to her lover, one Kiam, "You may kiss me of course, But you'll have to use force. Though god knows you're stronger than I am." A handsome young rodent named Gratian As a lifeguard became a sensation. All the lady mice waved And screamed to be saved By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, But this lubricant lapse Isn't noticed, perhaps Because nobody does in Duluth. A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. A princess who lived near a bog Met a prince in the form of a frog. Now she and her prince Are the parents of quints, Four boys and one fine polliwog. A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. A teenage protester named Lil Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill First they bugged our martinis, Our bras and bikinis, And now they are bugging the pill." There once was a monk of Camyre Who was seized with a carnal desire And the primary cause Was the abbess's drawers Which were hung up to dry by the fire. A lovely young maid from St. Jude Once rode through the streets in the nude. The police cried, "Whatam-- Agnificent bottom" And slapped it as hard as they cude. There was an old person of Ware Who had an affair with a bear. He explained, "I don't mind, For it's gentle and kind, But I wish it had slightly less hair." A hearty young fellow named Yost Once had an affair with a ghost. At the height of the spasm The poor ectoplasm Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." God's plan had a great beginning, But man spoiled his chances by sinning We trust that the story Will end in God's glory But at present the other side's winning. There once was an Arpanet freak, Who better response-time did seek. He searched coast to coast, For a reliable host, Whose logger took less than a week. A software technician from Digital Had hardware extremely prodigical. It's rumoured, I hear, That when he was near He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. There was a young lady named Rose With erogenous zones in her toes. She remained onanistic Till a foot-fetishistic Young man became one of her beaux. There was a young man named Rex Who really was small for his sex. When tried for exposure The judge's disclosure Was "de minimus non curat lex." A computer called Illiac4 Had a rather tough bug in its core. It chewed up its cards And spewed yards and yards Of illegible tape on the floor. There was an old maid from Cape Cod Who thought all good things came from god. But it wasn't the almighty Who lifted her nighty, It was Roger, the lodger, by god. An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection Three kinds of erection- Corinthian,ionic,and doric. There was a young man from Boston Who rode around in an Austin. There was room for his ass And a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. There once was a girl from Madras Who had such a beautiful ass - It was not round and pink ( as you bastards think ) But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. She begged and she pleaded for more. I said, "We've already had four, And I'm sure that you've heard, Though its somewhat absurd, That eros spelt backwards is sore." --> A geneticist living in Delft Scientifically played with himself, And when he was done He labled it: son, And filed him away on a shelf. Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let v be virginity Approaching infinity; Let p be a constant persuasion; Let p over p be inverted With the square root of mu inserted N times into v ... The result, Q E D, Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. An artist who lived in Australia Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. The drawing was fine, The colour - devine, The scent - ah, that was a failia. There was a young lady from Spain Who got sick as she rode on a train; Not once, but again, And again, and again, And again, and again, and again. According to experts, the oyster In its shell - a crustacean cloister - May frequently be Either he or a she Or both, if it should be its choice ter. The cruelest of creatures' the crab With claws that can pinch you or stab, And then when you dine On crab and white wine It gets you as well with the tab. There was a young girl from Peru, Who noticed her lovers were few; So she walked out her door With a fig leaf, no more, And now she's in bed - with the flu. There was a young lady from Spain Who demurely undressed on a train. A helpful young porter Helped more than he orter, And she promptly cried "Help me again" A girl camper once had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. When she gave him his hat She realized that She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. A progressive professor named Winners Held classes each evening for sinners. They were graded and spaced So the vile and debased Would not be held back by beginners. There was a man from Mich. Who used to wish and wich. That spring would come So he could bum Around and go out fich. There was a young lady named Ciss Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " But she'll never restate, For a wheel off her skate .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM A joker who haunts Monticello Is really a terrible fellow. In the midst of caresses He fills ladies dresses With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. There was a young fellow named Hatch Who was fond of the music of Bach. He said: "It's not fussy Like Brahms and Debussy; Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." A lady from Kalamazoo Once found she had nothing to do, So she sat on the stairs And she counted her hairs: 4,302. A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: At a masquerade ball, Dressed in nothing at all, She backed in as a Parker House roll. On the breasts of a harlot from Yale Was tatooed the price of her tail And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille. If continence causes neurosis And intercourse causes thrombosis I'd rather expire Fulfilling desire Than live in a state of psychosis. There's an oversexed lady named Whyte Who insists on a dozen a night. A fellow named Cheddar Had the brashness to wed her- His chance of survival is slight. There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, i know, It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that Last line that I can."