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From: israel@qantel.UUCP ( Renegade)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: True Grit Mysteries - Part 5
Message-ID: <168@qantel.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 2-Aug-84 12:52:30 EDT
Article-I.D.: qantel.168
Posted: Thu Aug  2 12:52:30 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 4-Aug-84 02:10:29 EDT
Organization: MDS Qantel, Hayward CA.
Lines: 69

< "Nothing up my sleeve - PRESTO!" >


TALES OF ROGER GUTS, PI

   As I started sweeping up hamster pellets, one question kept running
through my mind - if I were hiding out with a room full of hamsters,
where could I lay low and remain inconspicuous? Surely, anyone who
claimed he had that many pets would tend to attract attention - at the
very least we're talking a quick spot on `That's Incredible'. No, he
had to be keeping them someplace where it wouldn't appear out of the
ordinary - a pet shop!
   I dropped the broom and ran over to the phone stand, where I'd left
the phone book I'd aquired earlier - the hamsters had chewed it clean
through. I gotta hand it to Gerbil - he thinks of everything. I ran
out onto the street and started searching for another phone booth. I
spotted one on the next corner. Some little old lady wearing an orange
hat with a feather in it was gabbin' on the horn. I banged on the door.
    "Just a minute, sonny, I'm not through yet!"
    "This is an emergency, lady! Lawrence Welk just had a heart attack
around the corner, and I need to call an ambulance."
    "Oh, well that's different! Stand aside sonny, I know CPR."
    With that, she brushed past and sprinted around the corner. Good thing,
too. If she called me sonny once more, I'd would a had to deck her.
   I grabbed the phone book, and turned to the yellow pages on pets. There
was a big ad on a place called "Hamster Heaven". Oh come on, it can't be
this easy. Then I noticed the ink was wet. This book was brand new! Not
a mark on it. It suddenly occurred to me I was being set up for a big
fall. Gerbil obviously WANTED me to find him, thinking he had some kind of
foolproof trap to spring on me. But I had a few tricks of my own up my
sleeve...
   I called Ramona that night. "Ever run across  a clown named Baby-Face
Gerbil?"
   "It doesn't ring a bell. What about him?"
   "My guess is he either wants you dead, or believes you have horrible
taste in toilets. I'm heading for a showdown with him tonight, and there's
something you can do for me. At about 11pm, I want you to walk up to the
back door of his pet store, and leave a saucer of milk on the stoop."
   "Well, can't you do that yourself?"
   "Are you nuts? Guys like me can't be seen in public with milk!"
   "Oops! Sorry, Roger, I don't know what I could have been thinking about..."

   The lights were out at Hamster Heaven when I arrived. I checked my
watch. It was broken. It had been for six years. But the clock in the jeweler's
window across the street said 10:45pm. I was right on schedule.
   I slipped quietly up to the front door, pulled out a bazooka, and blew
my way in. As the dust settled, I stepped through the threshold. I lit a
flashlight. Something small scurried into a back room. I shivered. The lights
came on. The room was full of hamsters. And one short, squirely-looking
guy was sitting in the corner, wearing a smile so wide that if he leaned
backward, his head would fall off. He looked at the smoking remnants
of the front door. "Subtle, Guts. But no matter. You won't be using
that door again. Take him in the back room, boys"
   The hamsters started growling. I'd never be able to take them all
out, so for the time being, I decided to play along, at least until
11pm. Then I'd make my move. As I stepped into the back room, I noticed
an orange hat with a feather in it lying on a table. So the old lady was
in on it to, eh? Well, she'd be next on my list. The hamsters led me to a chair.
I sat down. Gerbil walked in. "You're probably wondering what exactly it is
that I have against Ramona."
   "I might be mildly interested."
   One of the hamsters flashed a dirty look my way. "I would advise you
not to get cute with me, Mr. Guts. A few of my furry little friends here
are old aquaintances of yours from Vietnam, and I don't know if I'll be
able to control them."
   Things were looking grim. I wondered what time it was...

        TO BE CONTINUED...