Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!ihnp4!zehntel!hplabs!sri-unix!Sanchez.dlos@XEROX.ARPA From: Sanchez.dlos@XEROX.ARPA Newsgroups: net.movies Subject: JOE BOB BRIGGS GOES TO THE DRIVE-IN (7-27-84) Message-ID: <566@sri-arpa.UUCP> Date: Mon, 30-Jul-84 15:29:00 EDT Article-I.D.: sri-arpa.566 Posted: Mon Jul 30 15:29:00 1984 Date-Received: Sat, 4-Aug-84 00:40:18 EDT Lines: 215 OK, Gang here is this week's column enjoy. Yes I managed to catch up with putting the column out weekly again. But, alas I must tell all you faithful followers of JBB, with a sad heart that I will be out of the office all next week and will not be able to put out the column for 8/3/84. I will try to get a copy of the column form one of the faithful here in Dallas so that I can type it along with the 8/10/84 column. Miguel JOE BOB GOES TO THE DRIVE-IN JOE BOB DEFENDS MISS AMERICA 1984 AND "CANNONBALL II" Why are we discriminating against this woman just because she's black, female, nekkid, AC-DC, and Miss America? I want you people to back off and give Vanessa a break so she can get her head together and maybe go do some boat shows or something. I'm sick of this kind of racism in America and I don't want to have to tell you again. Vanessa's tough, though. She can handle the p.r. She can handle a lot of things. She can handle slimeballs like Bob Guccione. She can handle handles. She can handle pothographers who don't know how to focus the dang thing. She can handle millions of Americans making fun of her garbonzas. Vanessa can handle it all. Vanessa took a licking and came back ticking. Out at the Century Drive-In in Grand Prairie the other night, we all took a poll on Vanessa: 1) Is she or isn't she? 2) Does she or doesn't she? 3) Would she if you gave her a hundred bucks? Vanessa got extremely high marks on all three questions. That's the kind of healthy American female we're talking about. Besides, the people that run that contest in Atlantic City should of known something was wrong in the first place. I didn't know the bimbo was black until they put in in the paper. I thought she just had a great tan. When she meets people, the probly say "Funny, you don't look black." Vanessa's the whitest black person since the Amos and Andy Show, and so my guess is the Miss America people didn't know what they had till the morning after the pageant was all over, and they woke up and said "Oh My God we elected a Negro!" and somebody said, "I told you it would happen if we kept putting one in the finals," and then ever since then they been trying to get the goods on the woman. I mean, what if they looked at the private pictures of every bimbo elected to be Miss America? They'd probly find doggies and elephant harnesses and all kinds of stuff. But that's what happens when you're black and nekkid in America. Speaking of famous black people, Sammy (I Did It My Way) Davis is one of the 17,000 stars in "Cannonball II," and the reason I bring it up is I notice Sammy han't been on the Carson show for several days now and so I wondered what happened? Sammy, baby, slap that knee and let us know you're around, how bout it? Now I figured it out, though. Sammy was busy making "Cannonball" which is one of the best sequels since "Death Wish II." Remember how the first "Cannonball Run" was already a sequel since it ripped off "Canonball," one of the all-time great cross-country road-race flicks? Remember how "Cannonball Run" didn't make any sense cause you couldn't tell who was winning the dang race until the end? Well, it's hard to believe, but in "Cannonball 2" you cain't even tell at the end. They made the exact same movie, except they told Farrah Fawcett to take a hike because she was zero in the first one and she refused to pop her top for Burt Reynolds, and they forgot to put the ending on it. Speaking of Dean Martin, I forget what he does in this flick except I remember he checks into the Dunes and Sammy hangs outside Dean's 18th-story hotel window in one of those hilarious Rat Pack scenes. Then Dean does a great joke about his drinking: "My liver died last year." (While I'm thinking of it where the heck is Joey Bishop? If you're gonna do "Cannonball," let's get the entire Rat Pack to do "Cannonball.") Let's see, who else we got? Oh yeah, how could I forget? Telly! The original Mr. T. Kojak gets to slap Charles Nelson Reilly's glassess off. Then there's Sussan Anton and Catherine Bach, who oil up their skin and go around stealing cars by exposing parts of their jumpsuits. And, of course, we got Sid Caesar and Tim Conway and Don Knotts. How about Arte Johnson? George "Goober" Lindsey? You want to talk acting? What do the words Joe Theismann mean to you? I'm talking Mel Tills. I'm talking Ricardo Montalban. I'm talking Jim Nabors and Shirley MacLaine and Louis Nye. Excuse me, I'm getting carried away. Finally, we're talking two of the biggest stars in drive-in history. Big Frank, who looks like he was so excited about being in "Cannonball 2" that he put on and extra 40, 50 pounds to get ready for the performance. And . . . hold your breath . . . Jacky Chan. Mr Kung Fu 1982. The New Bruce Lee. The only thing better than Jacky Chan's kung fu in this flick is the scene where Goober fights with a monkey. Well, I take it back. There is one scene where a pickup drives over a Firebird that's pretty good, too, and then there's the scene where the Racing Nuns go buy a six-pack and some chili dogs, and I almost forgot the one where Sammy, Dom and Burt all dress up like women and dance to a Supremes song, but for my money the best scene in the flick is where Jacky Chan kung fus 12 Hell's Angels for no apprarent reason. Absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story. Two breasts. Half pint blood. One beast (Telly Savalas). Two solid hours of motor vehicle chases. Five automobile crashes. One Marlon Brando imitation. One levitating car. One underwater car. Every guest on the Carson show for the past 20 years except David Brenner. Great kung fu. Monkey fu. Some bimbo fu. Monkey driving limo. Four brawls. One little old lady thrown through a plate glass window. One trailer house crash. Arab jokes. Jap jokes. Sammy wears all his jewlery. Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out. FROM THE JOE BOB RELIGIOUS NEWS DESK: HOUSTON (AP) - A Baptist preacher whose wife is accused of prostitution has been acquitted of aggravated assault against a sheriff's deputy in an altercation that followed the woman's arrest. The Rev. Larkin Power . . . had been accused in hitting Stamper in the Sheriff's Department parking lot (right where it hurts) after Power had been taken to the station for investigation of promotion of prostitution. Power's wife, Josephine Elizabeth Power, had been arrested that afternoon at a Holiday Inn . . . after a "party" arranged by vice squad officers. Power was taken into custody at the hotel when he emerged form his weekly Rotary Club meeting and saw his wife being taken away in handcuffs. It's a pretty sick society we got when a Babtist preacher, minding his own business in the privacy of his own Holiday Inn, gets kicked around by the cops like this. I'm sure his bimbo was just in there witnessing to some sinners, and matter of fact, I wish she'd come up here and witness to me. JOE BOB'S MAILBAG JOE BOB REMINDS YOU HAT SWAZILAND IS DOWN TO ONE DRIVE-IN AND MOST OF THE FLICKS ARE FOUR, FIVE YEARS OLD. WITHOUR ETERNAL VIGILANCE, IT COULD HAPPEN HERE. TO DISCUSS THE MEANING OF LIFE WITH JOE BOB, OR TO FIND OUT HOW KERRY VON ERICH DOES THE IRON CLAW ON CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING, WRITE JOE BOB BRIGGS, P.O. BOX 225445, DALLAS, TX 75222. Ciao, JBB, I'm about three weeks behind in your column, so I don't know if you've heard the latest news from Bella Roma. Some enterprising Roman cartel decided not everything in Texas should be bigger, so the Circus Maximus has converted to the World's Biggest Drive-In. However, since Romans are not the best drivers in the world, no one is allowed to drive in. You have to park outside (ragtop up!) and walk in. Now this should be a fine idea, but personal hygiene doesn't seem to have a high priority here (If you know what I mean, and I think you do) and the Circo Massimo seats THOUSANDS! Imagine thousands of Italians screaming as heads roll. Arrivederci, mio amico Debbie Saunier American Embassy Rome, Italy Dear Deb: The diplomatic personnel of this country are disgustingly ignorant. Don't you know the Romans INVENTED rolling heads? All we did was take their idea and make it into an art. Dear Joe Bob: Greetings form the Imperial City! Just wanted you to know that some of us here in your nation's capital are keeping eternal vigilance down at the bastion of LADEDA (we have no fun here) journalism, the Washington Post in order to get them to run your column. Joe Bob, you gotta help! How's about a little pressure from your end - maybe send a few of them long-horn bimbos up to Ben Bradlee's place for some friendly persuasion (if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do)? We'd do just about anything to spread the word sabout the impending demise of the Drive-In as we now know it. Hope you can lend a hand. Sincerely, Rich Miller Washington, D.C. Dear Rich: We don't have any horned bimbos here in Texas. You must be talking about some kind of East Coast pinko-media bimbo that's only found in the Greater D.C. area. I'll check Oklahoma, but if they don't have 'em, could we just send some HORNY bimbos? They can do the job if you'll be in charge of getting 'em cleaned up before they go in to see big Ben. Dear Joe Bob, What about the religious implications of the drive-in? Do you perceive any theology - either latent or up front - in any of these outdoor epics you write so stirringly about? Maybe during one or more of your drive-in evenings you've run across a movie that my readers should know abut. Perhaps a possession/exorcism/ demon-worship story along the lines of "Amityville Horror", or "Children of the Corn." Is God at the drive-in? Please advise. Cordially, John Justice Raleigh, N.C. Dear fellow Babtist: Yes I do perceive some latex theology at the drive-in, but you'll have to read about it in my book in the chapter "Where Are You Parking in the Drive-In of Life?" about the night I wlaked that drive-in aisle and got saved. Course, the most religious double feature ever made was that Roman Catholic twin-bill, "I Drink Your Blood" and " I Eat Yor Skin."