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From: merzbach@unc.UUCP (Matthew Merzbacher)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Tabloid Headlines
Message-ID: <7521@unc.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 14-Aug-84 12:03:50 EDT
Article-I.D.: unc.7521
Posted: Tue Aug 14 12:03:50 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 17-Aug-84 01:11:11 EDT
Organization: CS Dept., U. of N. Carolina at Chapel Hill
Lines: 132

[Sacrificial first line]

The following appeared as a result of Competition number 509 in New York
magazine (August 6, 1984).  People were asked to provied headlines from
tabloids.  Everything here is reprinted without permission, and I've left
the names of the competitors off.  If you really want them, send me mail

Matthew Merzbacher
unc!merzbach


South Carolina housewife can move cream cheese with her mind

Baby born with winning lotto ticket

New cure for lonliness: Tofutti

Why Nasturtiums mean heartbreak to Robert Duvall

Doc who treated him says: "Michael Jackson's face a mask.  His real face is
horror"

Exclusive: Why Pulitzer panel shuns tabloids

"Purebred" Poodle has squirrel's face and tail

Crazed by rapid weight loss and visions of UFOs, mom kills self, family - our
astrologer and Elvis predicted it!

Princess Di to become an American

Two women give birth to same baby

Richard Nixon reveals dreams:  opens bakery

Angry taxpayers eat 1040 forms

Jeane Dixon:  Killer bees to attack G.O.P. convention

Elvis' face appears in Maytag widow during rinse cycle

Pavarotti to sing with Kiss

Report cards of the stars

Space alien taught my dog to knit

Uri Geller contacts Houdini

Health food enthusiast turns to stone

What the 10 highest-paid catholic TV performers gave up for Lent

Elves masquerading as children in public schools

Joanne Woodward tells "Why Paul was afraid to love"

"My mother beat me as a child" reveals human chicken

Woman give birth to crocodile

Why Mr. T. sleeps with a night-light

Psychic says Elvis likes Mondale in '84

John Derek's newest "10"

My child's father is a UFO pilot

How road signs reveal your personality

Unborn twins taught to sing duets by mom

Judge Crater kidnapped by martians, says heir

Pres. Garfield knew he would be shot

Dallas star reveals how: "I kept thin and in shape with sex"

What your moles reveal about you

Punk teens getting high from hair gel

Since China trip, Reagan clone running country

UFOs land at Hollywood orgy

Woman gives birth to Aardvark

Clara Peller is my mother

Man's adoption papers reveal mother is a mermaid

Coached by cadavers - passes bar exam

Modern-day Lazarus recounts his amazing journey

Trapped explorer eats own foot

Invisible cat discovers cure for diabetes

How you vacuum reveals secret sexual desires

Socialite grows beard for rock-star husband

UFOs taught me how to type

Cat fortells WW III

Lincoln's diary reveals he had Douglas briefing papers

Siamese twins sue each other

Jane Wyman: "Life with Ron prepared me for 'Falcon Crest' role"

Patty Duke Astin: "Hellen Keller's ghost spoke to me"

Bigfoot ate my twins

"Our computer is haunted": J.C. Penney manager

Cleveland dog born with wheels for legs

Ron to Nancy: "I'm still in love with Jane"

Elizabeth Taylor's plan to enter the priesthood

Entering competitions more than once causes sterility

Kangaroo delivers baby in bar

Pros rate top 10 ski lifts