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From: barry@ames.UUCP (Ken Barry)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: affairs
Message-ID: <444@ames.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 2-Aug-84 17:04:08 EDT
Article-I.D.: ames.444
Posted: Thu Aug  2 17:04:08 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 4-Aug-84 02:13:23 EDT
References: <798@ut-ngp.UUCP>
Organization: NASA-Ames Research Center, Mtn. View, CA
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[*************=8>:)         (snort)]

	I think the subject of affairs, and of open vs. closed relationships,
deserves more than a simple statement of unsupported opinion, especially
when the opinions expressed are only a restatement of the most common
cliches on the subject. My own view is that the sexual rules in any relationship
are something to be worked out by the two (or more? :-)) people who are
in the relationship, and never mind what Aunt Gertrude or Hugh Hefner
or anyone else thinks; open or closed, it's for the two of you to work
out between you.
	But since a defense of closed relationships has been presented,
let me present a few arguments for the other kind.
	One big advantage of open relationships is the matter of trust,
Judy Ashworth's comments notwithstanding. In an open relationship, you
*never* have to wonder whether or not your partner is sleeping with others
- they'll tell you if they are. It's all very well to say you know you
can trust your spouse/SO, because he/she is an honest person and cares
about you too much to hurt you, but Kinsey's statistics cast a lot of
doubt on this reasoning. Does it make sense to expect complete honesty
from someone, but also warn them you have zero tolerance of their giving
in to the commonest of temptations? Is this not an invitation to dishonesty?
	Consider one classic example of marital infidelity: hubby goes
out of town for business, gets to drinking with his buddies, meets a
free-spirited female, and they decide to have a little fun.
	In an open relationship, such an incident can be treated as the
trivial matter that it is; no pain, no blame, no arguments. Same thing
applies, of course, if it's the woman who has the fast fling. But in a
closed relationship, things get sticky. First off, it's no longer just
casual sex, it's 'cheating'. Hubby has broken a promise (fidelity) he made,
and probably feels guilty. If he feels guilty, he probably also feels
resentment toward his wife, resentment about being made to feel guilty
about such an unimportant matter, and about being put in a position where
he has to be dishonest about it.
	If his wife finds out, it's worse, yet. In addition to whatever
sexual jealousy she feels, she is understandably hurt by her husband's
dishonesty, and often starts wondering how many other times he's been
fooling around. Because her position is generally supported in our culture,
she may even feel obligated to react more negatively than her own hurt
feelings demand. Relatives and friends will support her by agreeing with
her about what a lousy thing it was he did, and may tell her she's perfectly
justified in taking the most extreme actions (e.g., leaving him) under
the circumstances.
	The unfaithful partner in a closed relationship may also exaggerate
the importance of the infidelity. Not wanting to believe that they would
cheat on their partner for no better reason than a little pleasant recreation,
they may convince themselves that they are really falling for someone
else, or that they are truly unhappy with their spouse/SO, when in fact
it was nothing more than temporary infatuation or excess alcohol.

	It is probably fortunate that the 'ideal' of sexual fidelity
is generally more honored in the breach than in the observance. Most
of the people I've met seem able, after their initial anger, to tell
the difference between a casual night's fling and a serious marital problem.
It usually seems to be the 'outsiders' (relatives, particularly parents) who
are more likely to take an immoderate position on such things. 
	As I stated earlier, I do not advocate open or closed relationships,
per se; couples should agree on what's best for them, and act accordingly.
Good arguments can be made for closed relationships, too. What does gall
me, though, is when people insist that sexual possessiveness and sexual
jealousy are an inescapable fact of human nature. They are not; and to
consider them a worthy justification for the rules of one's relationships
is nothing short of pathetic.  Our culture conditions us to have these
sorts of feelings, but instead of defending them, we would be better advised
to remember where they can lead. There are still places in this world where
a man can kill his wife if he catches her in 'flagrante delicto', and have
it excused as justifiable homicide. We are supposed to be trying to outgrow
this sort of macho BS, not applauding it.

        [The opinions expressed herein are my own foolishness, and do not
necessarily reflect the views of anyone that matters.]

-  From the Crow's Nest  -                      Kenn Barry
                                                NASA-Ames Research Center
                                                Moffett Field, CA
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