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From: lambert@vax4.DEC
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: "Compleat" list of (clean) limericks, part 1 (long)
Message-ID: <3069@decwrl.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 2-Aug-84 11:57:21 EDT
Article-I.D.: decwrl.3069
Posted: Thu Aug  2 11:57:21 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 3-Aug-84 02:39:52 EDT
Sender: daemon@decwrl.UUCP
Organization: DEC Engineering Network
Lines: 261



	There was a young lady from Siam
	Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
	  "You may kiss me of course,
	  But you'll have to use force.	
	Though god knows you're stronger than I am."	

	A handsome young rodent named Gratian
	As a lifeguard became a sensation.
	  All the lady mice waved
	  And screamed to be saved
	By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.		

	In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
	Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
	  But this lubricant lapse
	  Isn't noticed, perhaps
	Because nobody does in Duluth.			

	A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
	And had an affair with a Saracen.
	  She was not oversexed,
	  Or jealous or vexed,
	She just wanted to make a comparison.		

	A princess who lived near a bog
	Met a prince in the form of a frog.
	  Now she and her prince
	  Are the parents of quints,
	Four boys and one fine polliwog.		

	A new dramatist of the absurd
	Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	  I learn from my spies
	  He's about to devise
	An unprintable three-letter word.		

	A teenage protester named Lil
	Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
	  First they bugged our martinis,
	  Our bras and bikinis,
	And now they are bugging the pill."		

	There once was a monk of Camyre
	Who was seized with a carnal desire
	  And the primary cause
	  Was the abbess's drawers
	Which were hung up to dry by the fire.

	A lovely young maid from St. Jude
	Once rode through the streets in the nude.
	  The police cried, "Whatam--
	  Agnificent bottom"
	And slapped it as hard as they cude.

	There was an old person of Ware
	Who had an affair with a bear.
	  He explained, "I don't mind,
	  For it's gentle and kind,
	But I wish it had slightly less hair."

	A hearty young fellow named Yost
	Once had an affair with a ghost.
	  At the height of the spasm
	  The poor ectoplasm
	Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."

	God's plan had a great beginning,
	But man spoiled his chances by sinning
	  We trust that the story
	  Will end in God's glory
	But at present the other side's winning.

	There once was an Arpanet freak,
	Who better response-time did seek.
	  He searched coast to coast,
	  For a reliable host,
	Whose logger took less than a week.

	A software technician from Digital
	Had hardware extremely prodigical.
	  It's rumoured, I hear,
	  That when he was near
	He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.

	There was a young lady named Rose
	With erogenous zones in her toes.
	  She remained onanistic
	  Till a foot-fetishistic
	Young man became one of her beaux.		

	There was a young man named Rex
	Who really was small for his sex.
	  When tried for exposure
	  The judge's disclosure
	Was "de minimus non curat lex."			

	A computer called Illiac4
	Had a rather tough bug in its core.
	  It chewed up its cards
	  And spewed yards and yards
	Of illegible tape on the floor.			

	There was an old maid from Cape Cod
	Who thought all good things came from god.
	  But it wasn't the almighty
	  Who lifted her nighty,
	It was Roger, the lodger, by god.

	An architect fellow named Yoric
	Could, when feeling euphoric,
	  Display for selection
	  Three kinds of erection-
	Corinthian,ionic,and doric.

	There was a young man from Boston
	Who rode around in an Austin.
	  There was room for his ass
	  And a gallon of gas,
	But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

	There once was a girl from Madras
	Who had such a beautiful ass -
	  It was not round and pink
	  ( as you bastards think )
	But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.	

	She begged and she pleaded for more.
	I said, "We've already had four,
	  And I'm sure that you've heard,
	  Though its somewhat absurd,
	That eros spelt backwards is sore."

-->	A geneticist living in Delft
	Scientifically played with himself,
	  And when he was done
	  He labled it: son,
	And filed him away on a shelf.

	Said Einstein, "I have an equation
	Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
	  Let  v  be virginity
	  Approaching infinity;
	Let  p  be a constant persuasion;
	Let  p  over  p  be inverted
	With the square root of mu inserted
	  N  times into  v  ...
	  The result, Q E D,
	Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.		

	An artist who lived in Australia
	Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
	  The drawing was fine,
	  The colour - devine,
	The scent - ah, that was a failia.

	There was a young lady from Spain
	Who got sick as she rode on a train;
	  Not once, but again,
	  And again, and again,
	And again, and again, and again.		

	According to experts, the oyster
	In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
	  May frequently be
	  Either he or a she
	Or both, if it should be its choice ter.	

	The cruelest of creatures' the crab
	With claws that can pinch you or stab,
	  And then when you dine
	  On crab and white wine
	It gets you as well with the tab.		

	There was a young girl from Peru,
	Who noticed her lovers were few;
	  So she walked out her door
	  With a fig leaf, no more,
	And now she's in bed - with the flu.		

	There was a young lady from Spain
	Who demurely undressed on a train.
	  A helpful young porter
	  Helped more than he orter,
	And she promptly cried "Help me again"		

	A girl camper once had an affair
	With a fellow all covered with hair.
	  When she gave him his hat
	  She realized that
	She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.		

	A progressive professor named Winners
	Held classes each evening for sinners.
	  They were graded and spaced
	  So the vile and debased
	Would not be held back by beginners.		

	There was a man from Mich.
	Who used to wish and wich.
	  That spring would come
	  So he could bum
	Around and go out fich.				

	There was a young lady named Ciss
	Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
	  But she'll never restate,
	  For a wheel off her skate
	.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM		

	A joker who haunts Monticello
	Is really a terrible fellow.
	  In the midst of caresses
	  He fills ladies dresses
	With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.	

	There was a young fellow named Hatch
	Who was fond of the music of Bach.
	  He said: "It's not fussy
	  Like Brahms and Debussy;
	Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."		

	A lady from Kalamazoo
	Once found she had nothing to do,
	  So she sat on the stairs
	  And she counted her hairs:
	4,302.

	A corpulent maiden named Kroll
	Had a notion exceedingly droll:
	  At a masquerade ball,
	  Dressed in nothing at all,
	She backed in as a Parker House roll.		


	On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
	Was tatooed the price of her tail
	  And on her behind,
	  For the sake of the blind,
	Was the same information in Braille.		

	If continence causes neurosis
	And intercourse causes thrombosis
	  I'd rather expire
	  Fulfilling desire
	Than live in a state of psychosis.		

	There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
	Who insists on a dozen a night.
	  A fellow named Cheddar
	  Had the brashness to wed her-
	His chance of survival is slight.

	There was a young poet named Dan,
	Whose poetry never would scan.
	  When told this was so,
	  He said, "Yes, i know,
	It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
			Last line that I can."