Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site unc.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!mgnetp!ihnp4!zehntel!hplabs!sdcrdcf!sdcsvax!akgua!mcnc!unc!merzbach From: merzbach@unc.UUCP (Matthew Merzbacher) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Tabloid Headlines Message-ID: <7521@unc.UUCP> Date: Tue, 14-Aug-84 12:03:50 EDT Article-I.D.: unc.7521 Posted: Tue Aug 14 12:03:50 1984 Date-Received: Fri, 17-Aug-84 01:11:11 EDT Organization: CS Dept., U. of N. Carolina at Chapel Hill Lines: 132 [Sacrificial first line] The following appeared as a result of Competition number 509 in New York magazine (August 6, 1984). People were asked to provied headlines from tabloids. Everything here is reprinted without permission, and I've left the names of the competitors off. If you really want them, send me mail Matthew Merzbacher unc!merzbach South Carolina housewife can move cream cheese with her mind Baby born with winning lotto ticket New cure for lonliness: Tofutti Why Nasturtiums mean heartbreak to Robert Duvall Doc who treated him says: "Michael Jackson's face a mask. His real face is horror" Exclusive: Why Pulitzer panel shuns tabloids "Purebred" Poodle has squirrel's face and tail Crazed by rapid weight loss and visions of UFOs, mom kills self, family - our astrologer and Elvis predicted it! Princess Di to become an American Two women give birth to same baby Richard Nixon reveals dreams: opens bakery Angry taxpayers eat 1040 forms Jeane Dixon: Killer bees to attack G.O.P. convention Elvis' face appears in Maytag widow during rinse cycle Pavarotti to sing with Kiss Report cards of the stars Space alien taught my dog to knit Uri Geller contacts Houdini Health food enthusiast turns to stone What the 10 highest-paid catholic TV performers gave up for Lent Elves masquerading as children in public schools Joanne Woodward tells "Why Paul was afraid to love" "My mother beat me as a child" reveals human chicken Woman give birth to crocodile Why Mr. T. sleeps with a night-light Psychic says Elvis likes Mondale in '84 John Derek's newest "10" My child's father is a UFO pilot How road signs reveal your personality Unborn twins taught to sing duets by mom Judge Crater kidnapped by martians, says heir Pres. Garfield knew he would be shot Dallas star reveals how: "I kept thin and in shape with sex" What your moles reveal about you Punk teens getting high from hair gel Since China trip, Reagan clone running country UFOs land at Hollywood orgy Woman gives birth to Aardvark Clara Peller is my mother Man's adoption papers reveal mother is a mermaid Coached by cadavers - passes bar exam Modern-day Lazarus recounts his amazing journey Trapped explorer eats own foot Invisible cat discovers cure for diabetes How you vacuum reveals secret sexual desires Socialite grows beard for rock-star husband UFOs taught me how to type Cat fortells WW III Lincoln's diary reveals he had Douglas briefing papers Siamese twins sue each other Jane Wyman: "Life with Ron prepared me for 'Falcon Crest' role" Patty Duke Astin: "Hellen Keller's ghost spoke to me" Bigfoot ate my twins "Our computer is haunted": J.C. Penney manager Cleveland dog born with wheels for legs Ron to Nancy: "I'm still in love with Jane" Elizabeth Taylor's plan to enter the priesthood Entering competitions more than once causes sterility Kangaroo delivers baby in bar Pros rate top 10 ski lifts