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From: rlr@pyuxn.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Question to Rich
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Date: Thu, 16-Aug-84 15:10:54 EDT
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Posted: Thu Aug 16 15:10:54 1984
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Date: Thu, 16-Aug-84 15:10:54 PDT

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> OK Rich, lets have a what-if to you. You have a daughter that is 10
> years old and in the fifth grade. First to Fourth grade she carried
> a average to a little below average grades. She has never really
> cared for school.
> You and the family are in a new house and new school. She is making
> new friends, some you don't really care for (but give her a chance).
> First quarter conference comes up and teacher says "Your daughter
> is causing problems in the class room." During the second quarter,
> the principal is calling, "Your daughter has been in a fist fight."
> At home you notice a difference in her behavior. And her grades
> have dropped to D's and F's.
> You have asked her why she has changed so much, and all you get
> is a "I haven't changed!" She actually doesn't see it. 
> As a parent to this girl, what would YOU have done? I am not asking for
> advice.  My husband and I handled it with great results. 
> 		Patty Kerr

I know more kids like this than I care to count (mostly playmates of my
ex-SO's son).  In every case, their behavior problems were rooted in a
negligent home upbringing, where parents were either more concerned with
"making their kids behave" (apparently so it wouldn't cause THEM problems)
than with *raising* them, or not concerned at all.

If I sound like I'm coming down hard on parents, well, that's tough.  Really.
Sure, everybody makes mistakes; there's very little we can do about that;
they're never going to "go away".  But even a mistake like "Oh, the code
I just wrote just bombed completely and 4000 people will be without their
data for a week" or "Oh, I just drove my car into that other car/building/etc.
and caused thousands of dollars in damage" is DWARFED by a mistake like "Oh,
I just f**ked up this child's life by not doing my job as a parent".
The big problems with the latter mistake are: 1) it can take place over the
long term, 2) its effects may not be noticed in the immediate short term, and
3) you may not even know you're doing it.

You ask what I would have done.  I could say "I probably would have raised her
better so that she would be able to think for herself and know what's she
doing", but I won't.  I'll assume that you are among those parents who do
make an effort and do care, though statistically I may not have reason to do
so.  The formative years in a child's life are crucial in determining later
personality, because kids literally suck in everything they see around them,
and sometimes incorporate it into their individuality.  Reinforcing positive
behaviors (like inquisitiveness, socialization, proper caution) and striking
the right balance between them during this time is crucial to the development
of the child.  Once behaviors like that are cast, it is very difficult to
undo them.  Sometimes only psychological counseling works (for parent and child
if necessary), especially if the child has become so alienated from his/her
parents that their influence has been completely eroded.  Hopefully if
things haven't gone that far, the parents will still mean enough to the child
that they will have some effect on his/her behavior.  If you've set the stage
so that you can talk rationally to your child (children are no less rational
than adults), then you have laid the groundwork.  If you teach a child to
appreciate learning, there's no way that child is going to dislike school;
the child will WANT to learn.  If you teach a child the reasons for not
behaving in anti-social fashion, they won't do so; the child will understand
the consequences of such actions.  If you've let the child know the ground
rules regarding proper behavior, infractions, and fair punishment, rarely
will you witness those rules being broken, and even more rarely will those
rare infractions be malicious.  But it's got to start early, or it may never
work at all.  Sad but true.  You ask what I'd have done.  I'd have been sure
I'd laid that groundwork.  If I hadn't, I'd be in trouble, and I might have to
employ the last resorts I've described.

As long as we have human beings as parents, parents will make mistakes.  The
idea is to be conscious of what you're doing as a parent in an effort to
minimize those mistakes, especially since both the mistakes and their effects
may be so long term as to be unnoticeable.  (By the way, Patty, since you did
achieve great results, please share your methods with us.  Isn't that what
this newsgroup is supposed to be for?)
-- 
"If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy!"
					Rich Rosen    pyuxn!rlr