Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 Fluke 1/4/84; site fluke.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!tektronix!uw-beaver!microsoft!fluke!inc From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Dave Barry 1/14 - Personal Computers Message-ID: <340@tpvax.fluke.UUCP> Date: Mon, 6-Aug-84 12:27:49 EDT Article-I.D.: tpvax.340 Posted: Mon Aug 6 12:27:49 1984 Date-Received: Fri, 10-Aug-84 07:44:51 EDT References: <363@oddjob.UChicago.UUCP> Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Everett, WA Lines: 116 C O M P U T E R S -* -By Dave Barry [Reprinted without permission from the Minneapolis TV Dispatch column, "Foolin' Around", July, 1982.] The computer is no longer just a large, complex, expensive object that major corporations blame when they screw up your order. Thanks to the miracle of electronics, today's computer is a large, complex, expensive object that you can have in your own home. If you read your major trend-spotting magazines such as Time and Newsweek, you know that in recent years virtually every man, woman, and child in the United States has bought a personal home computer. You constantly see articles explaining how ordinary people like yourself are finding all kinds of handy uses for computers around the home: Bob and Doris Pullet of Full Horse, Texas, use their computer for many things, such as keeping track of what they have in their pantry. "It has been a real boon to us," reports Doris. "In the old days, we would have to open the pantry door and manually look inside to see whether we had, say, chicken gumbo. But now all I do is turn on the computer, enter my secret password, and punch in a few simple commands. In a matter of seconds, the computer says 'CHKN GMB/2; 0.87; 0.74', which lets me know that we have two cans of chicken gumbo with a depreciated value of 87 cents, or 74 cents adjusted for inflation. And Bob is working on a program to keep track of the good forks." After I had read about 30 articles like this, I bought a personal home computer. I originally planned to use it to organize my data. I have a lot of trouble keeping my data straight. Here's my system: let's say I get a piece of data in the form of a letter from the telephone company explaining that, just to keep its legal staff busy, it is applying for one of its bi-weekly rate hikes. I put the letter in a manila folder, mark it "Phone Company" and put it in my filing cabinet. I have about 300 file folders, maybe 200 of which say "Phone Company" and I can never find anything. That's why I figured I needed a personal home computer. The man at the computer store told me that not only could my computer straighten out my files, but it would also figure out all my tax deductions. This struck me as a terrific bonus, because in recent years I have been so bad at keeping track of my tax deductions that I have had to make them up. So within a matter of minutes I purchased a computer for only a little more than it would have cost me to buy a lengthy vacation in Hawaii. Well, I think I got a fairly stupid computer. This is the way it usually goes with me. Several years ago I got a German Sheperd, which is supposed to be a fairly intelligent brand of dog, the kind of dog that recognizes unfriendly intruders and attacks them fiercely. But through some one-chance-in-a-million genetic quirk, our German Sheperd only attacks empty plastic milk jugs. If we ever happen to have an intruder who happens to have some old milk jugs tied to his belt, our dog will be a powerful deterrent, but otherwise I doubt she'd be much use. Well, my computer makes my dog look like Albert Einstein. I plugged it in and turned it on, and instead of going to work on my telephone-company letters, it started asking a lot of idiot questions, such as what day it was. So I typed in the following computer program: NEVER YOU MIND WHAT DAY IT IS. WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS STRAIGHTEN OUT ALL MY FILES AND COME UP WITH A NICE HEALTHY LIST OF MY TAX DEDUCTIONS, TAKING PAINS TO GIVE ME, RATHER THAN THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE, THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, BUT NOT CLAIMING ANYTHING THAT WOULD LAND ME IN THE SLAMMER, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. And the computer said: SYNTAX ERROR Do you believe that? This machine that doesn't even know what day it is tells me, the paid professional writer, that I have a syntax error. So I went back to the computer store, and the salesman told me that if I want the computer to organize my data, I would have to buy a program that costs several hundred dollars. Since I had spent all my money on the computer, I decided instead to buy a program called "Defense Command," which only cost $15. "Defense Command" does not organize my data, but it does enable me to play this computer game wherein I shoot an atomic laser cannon at little alien beings who are trying to steal my fuel cells so their Mother Ship can come down and wipe me out with the Solar Waster. I brought my game home, and the computer just loved it. It didn't ask what day it was or anything; it just started playing. The night I got it, my neighbor, who is thinking of getting a computer to organize his data, came over and we fought the aliens for six straight hours and drank a case of beer. Overall, I'd say the computer has greatly increased my personal productivity. At first, my "Defense Command" scores were in the 4,000 range, which means that the aliens were having no trouble stealing my fuel cells. They would just swoop down, chortling, and steal them with ease. But I have become so productive that nowadays I routinely score over 20,000, a tremendous increase in personal productivity that would have been impossible without my computer. I have begun to sense a new respect on the part of the aliens. I'm beginning to wonder how I ever got by without my personal home computer. I'm also beginning to wonder if I can use my atomic laser cannon against my files, or even against the phone company. -- Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA {microsoft,allegra,ssc-vax,sun,sb1}{decvax,ihnp4,tektronix!uw-beaver}!fluke!inc |-) Inputs Cheerfully Multiplexed (-|