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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!eagle!harpo!ihnp4!ihuxj!amra
From: amra@ihuxj.UUCP (Steven L. Aldrich)
Newsgroups: net.jokes,net.flame
Subject: And Now for Something Completely Differant... (non-combustible)
Message-ID: <400@ihuxj.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 15-Feb-84 00:44:07 EST
Article-I.D.: ihuxj.400
Posted: Wed Feb 15 00:44:07 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 10-Feb-84 03:32:50 EST
Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Naperville, IL
Lines: 61


     I offer the following two items for your amusement.


                          WARNING!!!

                      This machine is subject to
                 breakdowns during periods of critical
                              need.

     A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses
     the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is
     to use the machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction
     proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the
     machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts
     to use another machine may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the
     same union. Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else
     seems to work.

                             COMMANDMENTS
                                of  a
                          COMPUTER  CENTER:

         THOU SHALT NOT:

       1) Worship other computer systems

       2) Impersonate Liberace while sitting at the 
           console keyboard.

       3) Use magnetic tapes as frisbees.

       4) Slap users on the face.

       5) Get physically involved with the computer system,
           if already married.

       6) Use a disk pack as a stool to reach another disk pack.

       7) Stare at blinking lights for more than one 8 hour shift.

       8) Tell a user that you accidentally destroyed his/her files and
           his/her backup, just to see the look on his/her face.

       9) Staple card decks together.

      10) Enjoy cancelling a job.

      11) Do unto the director as he does unto you.

      12) Eat watermelon while sitting at the console.

      13) Spit at a user when he/she brings in 10 thirty minute jobs.

      14) Display firearms in the computer room.

      15) Push buttons just to see what happens.

                        PEACE & BEST WISHES
              From the ever curious (and sometimes devious) mind of:
                  Steve (Blackholes are out of sight) Aldrich
                             ihnp4!ihuxj!amra