Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site pucc-h Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxl!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!CS-Mordred!Pucc-H:aeq From: aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent) Newsgroups: net.singles,net.religion Subject: Re: Weird and wonderful idea Message-ID: <543@pucc-h> Date: Tue, 14-Feb-84 20:09:49 EST Article-I.D.: pucc-h.543 Posted: Tue Feb 14 20:09:49 1984 Date-Received: Fri, 17-Feb-84 03:59:00 EST References: <522@pucc-h> Organization: Purdue University Computing Center Lines: 102Those of you who read net.singles may remember my article entitled "Weird and Wonderful Idea". This followup appears in both net.religion and net.singles because I have found that my relationship to God and my relationship to people (MOTOS's included) are inextricably intertwined. I am basically hoping that this article will elicit some worthwhile advice (rather than flames) from readers, and that it will show Christian and non-Christian alike a picture of how a Christian struggles to handle a powerful and painfully cherished desire both faithfully and realistically. (Really, the Christian faith is not focused on doctrines; it is focused on learning how to live as a full human being. I hope this article deluges some of the dryness that so often pervades net.religion!) Here follow the main sentences of the article I mentioned: > I had an idea which promises to be one of the most liberating thoughts I've > ever latched onto. It is this: > > There is no qualitative difference between friendship and romance, only > quantitative. > > Really, don't friendship and romance differ only in how MUCH you give and > how MUCH you want (emotionally, physically, etc.)? Makes sense to me. I still feel that this is, in some sense, true; however, I have since seen the flip side, which is that the progression is nonlinear--exponential, maybe quartic, perhaps even with a jump discontinuity. I do feel freer than I did to do "dating"-type activities (e.g. going to movies) with "just friends". I have felt for years that friendship was essential in a romance; now I know that the two are really on the same Cartesian plane. But the discontinuity comes in when one considers that romance involves, to at least a small extent, sexuality. This is not exclusively (or even necessarily very much) physical; to me, the emotional and spiritual passion and communion constitute the main focus, with the physical closeness only an expression of something greater. I want a woman to not just accept me as a friend, a person who happens to be male and has desires. I want a woman to accept my desire, to allow me to desire her, and preferably to return my desire. This is especially so for a man who in 28.6 years has not yet climbed that slippery, steep quartic curve even to the kissing stage. But how does faith tie into this? God asks us to give ourselves totally to Him in order that He may give us our true selves. One might say that if you don't give some part of you, or something you have, into His kingdom now, you won't have it when His kingdom comes. (I know this could be disputed, but let's not; it's tough enough to write this article without having to argue about it.) So the only thing for a Christian striving to follow and emulate Christ to do is to give up this desire to God, and allow God to determine how, when, and if it will ever be satisfied in this life. I do not know now if I will ever reach the kissing stage with a woman. I am trying to "walk by faith, and not by sight", believing that God has a better idea of what's best for me than I do, and I will see it in hindsight (as I have in some tough situations before). It is very frustrating not to know whether God is leading me toward lifelong (or long-term) total celibacy (i.e. zero romance), toward marriage, or possibly toward a dating situation that will not turn into marriage. But I know myself well enough not to trust myself to handle this on my own; I'm sure to make a hash of it. So I have to trust Him and follow Him up this narrow path on a mountain ledge. God's too tall for me to see over His shoulder, and too broad for me to peep around Him without falling off into the abyss; so I don't know what's coming. On the other hand, this means that I have a really hefty Person with me Who will intercept the troubles that I might meet on this path and Who will deal with the worst of them before they can get to me. He is, of course, much stronger and better equipped than I to handle them. Now all that provides some reassurance that the pain will not become more than I can bear. But I am not yet such a saint as Paul, who could suffer in all sorts of ways and "count it all joy". I just wish that God could somehow show me how I can have more than just brief moments of happiness and rest in the long climb. Isn't there, anywhere, a green mountain meadow where I can just lie down for a while in the soft grass, drink from a cool, clear stream, enjoy the warmth of the sun and the fruit from the trees, and be happy for a while? Or am I stuck, for this life (which could go on another 40-50 years) on this narrow, rocky, tricky path? Is there a meadow right by me that I'm not seeing due to an imperfect understanding of what my Guide has in mind for me? Basically, what I'm saying is: I have borne much worse pain than this (and very nearly become temporarily criminally insane as a result). But that doesn't make the pain any more palatable. My emotions and my choices have for many years been structured so that I would get my emotional kicks or highs from depression, anger, despair, anxiety, and all the other emotions that combine to produce agony, rather than from joy; agony is easy to find. But now I want to take another step toward being a full, normal, real human being, and get my highs from joy; and all I seem able to find is agony. I don't know where to look for joy; I hardly even know how; and I shouldn't do that anyway--I should look for God. But how is it that others who try to follow God can find joy, but it so rarely comes my way? WHERE AM I FAILING? Where am I failing in understanding of God, in surrender to Him, in stepping out and risking myself in faith that God will bring grace into my mistakes, in trusting Him to either make me a contented celibate (not just logically see the advantages of living solo, but really be content without romance) or send the appropriate woman into my life at the right time (or enable me to see the appropriateness of someone who has been there all the time)? Help?... -- -- Jeff Sargent {allegra, ihnp4, decvax, harpo, seismo, teklabs, ucbvax}!pur-ee!pucc-h:aeq "Buy the truth and do not sell it; gain wisdom, knowledge, and understanding."