Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site randvax.ARPA Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!harpo!seismo!hao!hplabs!sdcrdcf!randvax!edhall From: edhall@randvax.ARPA (Ed Hall) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: New Advances in Science Message-ID: <1697@randvax.ARPA> Date: Mon, 13-Feb-84 21:50:37 EST Article-I.D.: randvax.1697 Posted: Mon Feb 13 21:50:37 1984 Date-Received: Thu, 16-Feb-84 05:54:52 EST Organization: Rand Corp., Santa Monica Lines: 120 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NEW ADVANCES IN SCIENCE (Extracts from high school exams) 1. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices. 2. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backward. 3. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think. 4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars. 5. The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now. 6. A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance. 7. To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick. 8. A litre is a nest of young baby animals. 9. A vacuum is a U-tube with a flack at one end. 10. The process of turning steam into water again is called conversation. 11. A magnet is something you find in a bad apple. 12. Ammonium chloride is also silly maniac. 13. The school is ventilated by hot currants. 14. The earth makes a resolution every twenty-four hours. 15. The cuckoo does not lay its own eggs. 16. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. 17. Typhoid fever may be prevented by fascination. 18. Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them. 19. Algebra was the wife of Euclid. 20. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 21. Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. 22. An axiom is a thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it. 23. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. 24. Sound is a rapid series of osculations. 25. The moon is a planet just like the earth only deader. 26. The pistil of a flower is its only protection against insects. 27. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. 28. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks. 29. English Sparrows and Starlings eat the farmer's grain and soil his corpse. 30. By self-pollination a farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. 31. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. 32. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. 33. Vegitative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. 34. Sea water has the formula CH2O. 35. A super saturated solution is one that holds more that it can hold. 36. A triangle which has an angle of 135 is called an obscene triangle. 37. The hydra gets its food by descending upon its pray and pushing it into its mouth with its testicles. 38. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 39. The cerebrum is a cavity in the head. 40. A person should take a bath once in the summer and not quite so often in the winter time. 41. The hookworm larva enters the human body through the soul. 42. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. 43. It is a well known fact that a deceased body warps the mind. 44. The human is more intelligent than the beast because the human brain has more convulsions. 45. For fainting: Rub the persons chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand. 46. For fractures: To see is the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. 47. For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. 48. For nose bleed: Put the nose lower than the body. 49. To remove dust from eye: Pull the eye over the nose. 50. For snake bite: Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. 51. For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.