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From: aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent)
Newsgroups: net.singles,net.religion
Subject: Re: Weird and wonderful idea
Message-ID: <543@pucc-h>
Date: Tue, 14-Feb-84 20:09:49 EST
Article-I.D.: pucc-h.543
Posted: Tue Feb 14 20:09:49 1984
Date-Received: Fri, 17-Feb-84 03:59:00 EST
References: <522@pucc-h>
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Lines: 102



Those of you who read net.singles may remember my article entitled "Weird and
Wonderful Idea".  This followup appears in both net.religion and net.singles
because I have found that my relationship to God and my relationship to people
(MOTOS's included) are inextricably intertwined.  I am basically hoping that
this article will elicit some worthwhile advice (rather than flames) from
readers, and that it will show Christian and non-Christian alike a picture of
how a Christian struggles to handle a powerful and painfully cherished desire
both faithfully and realistically.  (Really, the Christian faith is not
focused on doctrines; it is focused on learning how to live as a full human
being.  I hope this article deluges some of the dryness that so often
pervades net.religion!)

Here follow the main sentences of the article I mentioned:

> I had an idea which promises to be one of the most liberating thoughts I've
> ever latched onto.  It is this:
> 
> There is no qualitative difference between friendship and romance, only
> quantitative.
> 
> Really, don't friendship and romance differ only in how MUCH you give and
> how MUCH you want (emotionally, physically, etc.)?  Makes sense to me.

I still feel that this is, in some sense, true; however, I have since seen the
flip side, which is that the progression is nonlinear--exponential, maybe
quartic, perhaps even with a jump discontinuity.  I do feel freer than I did
to do "dating"-type activities (e.g. going to movies) with "just friends".  I
have felt for years that friendship was essential in a romance; now I know
that the two are really on the same Cartesian plane.  But the discontinuity
comes in when one considers that romance involves, to at least a small extent,
sexuality.  This is not exclusively (or even necessarily very much) physical;
to me, the emotional and spiritual passion and communion constitute the main
focus, with the physical closeness only an expression of something greater.
I want a woman to not just accept me as a friend, a person who happens to be
male and has desires.  I want a woman to accept my desire, to allow me to
desire her, and preferably to return my desire.  This is especially so for a
man who in 28.6 years has not yet climbed that slippery, steep quartic curve
even to the kissing stage.

But how does faith tie into this?  God asks us to give ourselves totally to
Him in order that He may give us our true selves.  One might say that if you
don't give some part of you, or something you have, into His kingdom now, you
won't have it when His kingdom comes.  (I know this could be disputed, but
let's not; it's tough enough to write this article without having to argue
about it.)  So the only thing for a Christian striving to follow and emulate
Christ to do is to give up this desire to God, and allow God to determine how,
when, and if it will ever be satisfied in this life.

I do not know now if I will ever reach the kissing stage with a woman.  I am
trying to "walk by faith, and not by sight", believing that God has a better
idea of what's best for me than I do, and I will see it in hindsight (as I
have in some tough situations before).  It is very frustrating not to know
whether God is leading me toward lifelong (or long-term) total celibacy (i.e.
zero romance), toward marriage, or possibly toward a dating situation that
will not turn into marriage.  But I know myself well enough not to trust
myself to handle this on my own; I'm sure to make a hash of it.  So I have to
trust Him and follow Him up this narrow path on a mountain ledge.  God's too
tall for me to see over His shoulder, and too broad for me to peep around Him
without falling off into the abyss; so I don't know what's coming.  On the
other hand, this means that I have a really hefty Person with me Who will
intercept the troubles that I might meet on this path and Who will deal with
the worst of them before they can get to me.  He is, of course, much stronger
and better equipped than I to handle them.

Now all that provides some reassurance that the pain will not become more than
I can bear.  But I am not yet such a saint as Paul, who could suffer in all
sorts of ways and "count it all joy".  I just wish that God could somehow show
me how I can have more than just brief moments of happiness and rest in the
long climb.  Isn't there, anywhere, a green mountain meadow where I can just
lie down for a while in the soft grass, drink from a cool, clear stream,
enjoy the warmth of the sun and the fruit from the trees, and be happy for a
while?  Or am I stuck, for this life (which could go on another 40-50 years)
on this narrow, rocky, tricky path?  Is there a meadow right by me that I'm
not seeing due to an imperfect understanding of what my Guide has in mind
for me?

Basically, what I'm saying is:  I have borne much worse pain than this (and
very nearly become temporarily criminally insane as a result).  But that
doesn't make the pain any more palatable.  My emotions and my choices have
for many years been structured so that I would get my emotional kicks or
highs from depression, anger, despair, anxiety, and all the other emotions
that combine to produce agony, rather than from joy; agony is easy to find.
But now I want to take another step toward being a full, normal, real human
being, and get my highs from joy; and all I seem able to find is agony.  I
don't know where to look for joy; I hardly even know how; and I shouldn't do
that anyway--I should look for God.  But how is it that others who try to
follow God can find joy, but it so rarely comes my way?  WHERE AM I FAILING?
Where am I failing in understanding of God, in surrender to Him, in stepping
out and risking myself in faith that God will bring grace into my mistakes,
in trusting Him to either make me a contented celibate (not just logically
see the advantages of living solo, but really be content without romance) or
send the appropriate woman into my life at the right time (or enable me to
see the appropriateness of someone who has been there all the time)?

Help?...
-- 

-- Jeff Sargent
{allegra, ihnp4, decvax, harpo, seismo, teklabs, ucbvax}!pur-ee!pucc-h:aeq
"Buy the truth and do not sell it; gain wisdom, knowledge, and understanding."