From: utzoo!decvax!ucbvax!CAD:tektronix!tekmdp!markp
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: The real man's hit list
Article-I.D.: tekmdp.1802
Posted: Mon Feb 28 12:39:19 1983
Received: Wed Mar 2 07:34:11 1983
I found this in Portland's "Downtowner" weekly. Thought it might provoke
a chuckle...
The real man's hit list
Real men do not need sensitivity training, psycho-social therapy,
or primal scream encounters. They go to football games.
by Steven Belling
Real men are on the counterattack. The days of the quiche-eaters are numbered.
All that vulnerability, sensitivity and self-flagellation we saw become a part
of our culture in the '70s must now be fought head-on. To combat a
debilitating, malignant disease like quiche, however, you have to be able to
identify your enemies. So here is one real man's list of the ten most
dangerous quiche-eaters at large.
Naturally, such a list has to leave out many deserving offenders. Truman
Capote, the Bee Gees, Mr. Rogers, Barry Manilow and Phil Donohue are all worthy
of mention, but have not achieved the outstanding level of emasculation
in their respective fields that these ten have. Just saying their names
is enough to make a real man's palms sweat.
1) Richard Simmons. This wimp with alfalfa sprouts for hair is easily
real man enemy number one. Women love this guy. Why? It could be because
he is about as threatening as a house plant. But, really now, he looks, talks
and acts like the Pillsbury Doughboy. "But Richard helps people!" Gimme a
break.
2) Werner Erhard. The founder of est -- airhead seminar training -- is as
responsible for the birth of the ME generation as any other human being.
Real men do not need sensitivity training, ego enhancement, psycho-social
therapy, reevaluation counseling or primal scream encounters. They go to
football games.
3) Tony Geary. Now that millions of real men are unemployed, they turn to
daytime television for some comfort. And what do they get? The insane
prancing of Luke and Laura! Talk about kicking a guy when he's down.
Snap out of it Tony. Get a real job. Playing a wimp your whole life is
no way to be.
4) Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. He has built a loyal following of tofu brains
on the dual religious principles that you should have sex as often as you
breathe with anyone who is closest to you and that to be holy you must
wear red. Real men like sex, but everything has its time and place --
preferably at night on a bed with a willing real woman. Real men do not
need gurus, particularly one who owns 22 Rolls Royces bought with his
followers' money, who refuses to talk to mortals and walks only when all
other transport is unavailable. Besides, the only red thing a real man
owns is that pair of socks Mom gave him for his birthday five years ago.
5) Air Supply. These purveyors of pablum rock should be permanently sealed
in an elevator with their music. The group, which is aptly named for what
is between their ears, churns out schlocky, white-bread music like it is the
day before doomsday. The lead singer of the group has a whiny voice, pitched
higher than female singers like Pat Benatar or Joan Jett. Plus, he looks
dangerously like Richard Simmons.
6) Ralph Calhoun. Do not let the macho-sounding name fool you. This man
committed an unpardonable sin some years back by unleashing a social
movement of unparalled importance. He put the first fern in a bar. From
that meager beginning, those damn things have spread like the plague across
the country.
7) The Greatest American Hero. Whatever happened to the heroes of yesterday --
Batman, Captain America, the Flash, Wonder Woman? The superheroes of today
are bumbling dummies. (Even Superman is a bit prissy.) This guy is the worst.
He wears a cute red suit, has the build of a 97-pound weakling, does not want
to be a hero and cannot even fly without smashing into walls.
8) George Steinbrenner. Even though George probably would not know a quiche
if it hit him in the face (which does not sound like a bad idea), he is an
enemy of real men. As owner of the New York Yankees, Steinbrenner is
responsible for nearly turning our great American pastime into a great American
joke. He pays millions of dollars to players of limited ability, which means
the other owners then have to, which in turn means everybody raises
ticket prices, players get complacent and the game gets boring. If that
were not enough, he also goes through managers like Kleenex tissues and is
rumored to be responsible for keeping cheerleaders out of baseball.
9) George Bush. If anything ever happened to President Reagan, we would have
this overgrown preppy as our commander-in-chief. We would be the laughingstock
of the world. Imagine Bush trying to stare down Andropov. Who could be
intimidated by him? He looks like he should be playing tennis, not having his
finger on the button.
10) Alan Alda. Everybody likes Alan Alda. Women adore him. Saying something
bad about Alda is like flattening the tires on an ice-cream truck. He is a
great actor on TV's best series. He is handsome, sensitive, funny, *I* even
like him. That's the problem, though. He's too damn nice. Women set him up
as an idol against whom the rest of us have to compete.
Unlike the bozos on this list, I have hope for Alda. He's a real man --
one with dangerous quiche tendencies, but a real man nonetheless. The others
are a different story. The backlash is underway. The day of the real man and
real woman is dawning.
Quiche-eaters, beware.
Mark R. Paulin
...decvax!teklabs!tekmdp!markp